Expert: Leslie Truex - 10/4/2006

Question
Hello. I am a mother of four. (11,5,3,&1) Obviously my life is hectic, but over the past few years it has been very difficult b/c of my 5 yr old son. @ age 3, he stopped eating "table food" and would only eat yogurts, applesauce, baby lasagna (in jar) and peanut butter & jelly. He still is the same way and refuses to try anything else. He has been extremely difficult to manage as far as behavior is concerned...he seems to almost ignore myself or my husband. He is extremely hyper and wants everything his way. We had to stop doing family things out in public (e.g..go to mall/movies )b/c it never fails that he just simply defies any rules & runs off. Now he is in K, and is having trouble w/ rules and hitting others. I don't know what to do. He is very smart, can add/subtract #'s, knows how to sound out words etc.. But his behavior is out of control! And I do not have any of these issues w/ my other children. What should I DO? Please help me....

Answer
Hi Heather,
Its hard enough being a mom of 4, but having a challenging child makes it even tougher. I'll do my best to provide some tips in this limited space, but I'll also recommend some books and resources that may help as well.

About the eating. That is hard. You can't completely control what goes in or what goes out. Having picky eater myself, I know that its difficult. Here are a few suggestions. First, I wonder, if he's had some resentment towards his younger siblings. His reverting to baby food seems to coinside with  having younger siblings. Its not uncommon for that to happen. Some ways to counter this is identify him as a "big" boy and give him special attention and tasks that only he can do because the others are too young. This doesn't always work, but often it does. You can enlist his help for ideas on what he can do that the younger ones can't such as stay up later. Then, you add that he can eat foods that the others can't.

Include your children in the planning of meals such as what's on the menu and even with the cooking. This way, your son has input into decisions and can let you know what items (no baby food allowed) he likes. Its also recommended to introduce new foods occasionally. Our rule is you need to take at least 1 bite. If they don't, there is no dessert.

Don't have baby food in the house. He can refuse to eat whatever is available, but eventually, he'll get hungry enough to eat something. In essence, he may fight you and go without a meal or two, but he'll eat eventually. Your 3 and 1 year old are old enough that they can eat table food so that you can eliminate baby food all together.

If he still refuses food you offer there are two approaches you can take. One is to tell him there is no other food except what you have served. When he's hungry later on in the evening, you just heat up what he refused at meal time. The second approach is to have him make his own meals. You are not a restaurant. If he's going to have PB&J instead of what you made, he can make it himself. PB&J is healthy (make sure you use healthy brands) so he'll be getting nutrients he needs. Making your own dinner gets old after awhile especially if you're a kid.

In most cases, food fights aren't so much about the food as they are about control. Don't get caught up in the struggle. Decide how you want to handle it, sit him down and explain how its going to go, and then do it. Let him know that at times he'll have input (ie what's for dinner) and the rest he's expected to comply with. So when he starts to complain or refuse to eat, simply state the rule calmly and go on. Ignore more attempts to engage in a struggle.

Generally the more extreme the behavior, the tighter the boundaries you will need to set. And you have to know going into it that he will fight you on it so you MUST stick to your guns. Nothing hurts your efforts more than giving in. Sit down with your husband and make a list of behaviors that are problems (doesn't follow directions, etc). Come up with appropriate consequences such as if he doesn't pick up his toys when asked, they will be packed up. During a calm time, sit your son down and let him know the new rules and consequences. If behavior is really bad, you may want to throw in a positive reinforcement such as a behavior chart so that if he listens when asked he gets a point or a star (let him help you develope his rewards and chart). Then, when you give a command, give him time to comply. If he doesn't, tell him again plus remind him of the consequence. "If you don't pick up your toys, I will pack them up and you won't have them for a week." If he doesn't comply, you MUST follow through with the consequence...even if he begins to comply at that point. Why? Because you need to let him know that this is the line. The best way I decribe this is through this analogy. Most people speed when they drive because they almost never get caught. But if they got a ticket EVERY time they sped, they would stop. Kids are the same. You have got to follow through.

When you do give commands or directives and then have to give a consequence, do it very matter of factly. Don't yell or grrrr or any of that stuff you really want to do. Don't let him see your frustration or anger. Instead, you want to be businesslike using a very flat affect (dull tone). You want to be like this even if he's thrashing or screaming. Focusing on being business like can help keep you calm, but it can also be calming for him.

Finally, contact your guidance counselor and find out if they have any children's groups that can help your son learn social skills, making friends etc. Often the guidance counselor can have him on a behavior plan at school as well.

This is a touchy subject, but you may want an evaluation for ADHD not for medicine purposes, but because you may be able to get additional help through school or get counseling that can help you, help him learn to behave. This is important because kids with ADHD often want to behave, but don't have the controls to manage it and often require more strategies than just simple misbehavior. You can have a child get help for ADHD without having him be medicated.

This is a few words about something that is going to take a lot of time and effort for you to implement. If there is a parent education course in your community, I recommend you take it just to get more specific tips and support. Other than that, here are some good books:

1) The Difficult Child by Stanely Tereki (I love this book even for kids who aren't "difficult").
2) How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen to Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (Another favorite for specific tips on techniques to get compliance).
3) Raising the Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Good luck.
Leslie Truex