Expert: Leslie Truex - 10/17/2006

Question
My grandson is 7, in the second grade, and a delight to be with most of the time. He is very polite and respectful to adults. The problem is- anger in school. He lives with his Mom (a single parent) in a town about 75 miles from me. Today his teacher called his mom- said he became very angry after she told him to "pull his red card" which means he's in trouble. He had interupted the class 3 times. When she told him to pull the red card he rose out of his chair, angrily slid it across the floor. The teacher then sent him to the principal. My daughter called me this evening in tears telling me she was getting back everything she had put me through. She was trying to think of a way to talk with him about his anger and why he is so angry. I told her that I didnt think all anger is bad and not to be too harsh with him but try to get him to talk. I talked to him on the phone and he said he could not explain why he became so angry. Anyway- I told my daughter to go with him to see the school counselor in the morning and that I would get on line to see if I could get any ideas for her.  
Thank you. Mama Jules

Answer
Hi Mama,
I think talking to the school counselor is a good idea. Perhaps he or she has some small group work that focuses on managing anger.

Anger like other emotions is often felt as physical energy. We see it most in tantrums, but even adults have the urge to throw things or jump up and down. Its the same for children only they don't have the maturity and skills to manage it. To a certain extent they can't help it. The key is to teach him to recognize the anger build up before he gets out of hand. Often this is through physical cues such as getting warm. Anger management teaches people to pay attention to these things and deal with them in ways like counting to 10 or taking a time out (not a punitive time out, but a mood change time out).

Your daughter may want to visit a book store and pick up a children's book about anger management. There are some good ones that use cartoons and exercises to help children recognize and manage angry feelings.

Finally, a behavior program may offer a good incentive for your grandson to work hard on managing his anger. The card system is similar to this only it uses negatives, changing the card when he misbehaves. Perhaps a positive one can be implemented in which he gets a check for each class period he manages his behavior. When I was a guidance counselor, my stedents on behavior contracts would come to me at the end of the day to show me their charts. If they had 4 out of 5 happy faces, they got a treat. This worked even with some of my older students.

Leslie Truex