Expert: Leslie Truex - 5/4/2007

Question
I found out this morning that my 6 yo daughter has told all of the kids at her school that she will be leaving that school & going to a new one. When I questioned her about it she said that they wouldn't play with her, so she told them she was leaving, apparently this happens often. She is the oldest child of 3 girls, and is from a previous relationship that ended when she was a few months old. Her father also has 2 other children, she see's them every second weekend. She does very well academically at school, but doesn't contribute much to the class, and is afraid to answer things in case she gets it wrong, but has never been reprimanded for a wrong answer. She loves her teacher. She is very emotional at time, cries at the drop of a hat, for simple things like being asked to pick something up off the floor. Her youngest sister is 18 months old & was born with a heart condition, so has spent a lot of time in hospital & I with her, we have tried to give her plenty of time and understanding to come to terms with it all, as we realize that it would be stressful for the older girls, but she's getting worse, not better & I find myself getting angry at her for lying & crying, almost constantly. I have not been away for over 4 months now & in all other instances life has settled back into a normal routine. up until now she has always been very popular with the other children, and a very sensible, easy going child at home, she also fights with her sisters a lot, & usually ends up crying, even though she is the oldest. My husband has been with her since she was a baby & has always treated her like his own, but I have noticed him withdrawing from her lately, he says he can’t play with her or talk to her anymore because she lies about stuff all the time & cries over the simplest of things.
Please help, I just want my daughter to be happy, realize the consequence of her actions, and get along well with her peers. I’m at my wits end!


Answer
Hi Rebecca,
Your daughter seems to be exhibiting behaviors that will get her attention. As adults, we find this annoying and may start to ignore, but in this case that will only lead to more problems. My suggestion is that you and your husband both find 15 minutes a day (separately) to spend with your daughter doing what SHE wants to do. This is not homework time or enrichment time. Its time in which she chooses the activity and you join in.

Focus time does three important things: 1) it will build her self-esteem. When a grown up enters a child's world, it makes the child feel special. 2) It will give you an opportunity to talk and connect, which will teach her how to use words to express her feelings and 3) It will give you a window into her her world. Play is how children problem solve, try new things and show how they experience the world. It doesn't take much time and can make a world of difference. I have had parents tell me that this one thing improved their child's behavior alone. By the way, she gets this time from you even if she has a bad day. Your love isn't conditional...that's what focus time teaches your daughter.

You may also want to check out if the school as any sort of "club" or social skills group to teach your daughter other ways to engage her friends.

Finally, you do need to set up consequence for the lying. However, if the lying is due to low self-esteem or for attention, the focus time should help diminish that. Remember, she gets special time no matter what, so consequences for lying should be something else such as a loss of a privilege.

Be sure to give this time to change. It didn't happen over night and it won't change over night.

Leslie Truex