AboutLeslie Truex Expertise I am a parent of two, but also I'm a social worker with over 15 year experience working with children and families. I can provide many tips and techniques to help with child behavior, interventions for specific behavioral issues, ideas to help children through difficult times such as divorce or grief, hints on keeping the family running smoothly, and tips for developing confident, happy children.
Experience I have a master's in social work and over 15 years experience working with children and families. I have worked in schools, public health, mental health and adoption agencies providing parent education courses and children's groups.
Question My 3 year old daughter use to use her manners all the time. about a month ago she absolutly refuses. Iv tried time out. Not giving her what she wants, except food and drink. My mom says dont even feed her, she'll get so hungry she'll say please by the end of the day. But i dont feel thats right at all. Others have told me its a phase and will pass but with christmas coming i cant stand the idea of her not saying thank you to people. Its driving me crazy and its very imbarrassing. Any suggestions ?
Answer Hi Amanda,
The most important aspect of your question is the fact that your daughter is only 3 years old. While she may have "had" her manners before, children that age don't understand the concept. They say things because they are "trained" to, but they don't really get the deeper meaning or value of them.
I would avoid refusing food. That age is also notorious for developing odd eating habits and you don't want to set up something new. And, personally, I think its a bit harsh for the infraction. Manners are important, but again, she is 3 and can't be expect to act perfectly all the time.
I believe adults often expect too much of children. They often expect more than they do of adults. For example, we want our children to learn a rule and remember it for always. But adults speed in their cars every day even though they absolutely know that its against the rules. They'll speed even after getting a ticket! Why do we expect better of our children?
So, you're going to just have to remind her. When she says she wants food or something, cue her, "What do you say?" or "Please?"
Now if she's refusing after you cue her, you can make her get it herself. You can explain in basic terms that "please" and "thank you" are important to being "good friends" or "making people happy and want to be nice to you" or some other way that a 3 year old would understand. You could even say, "I'd really like to do that for you, but I can't without the magic word... (or without your saying please)" If she refuses, then that is her choice. But always serve her meals regardless because you don't want to set up some weird association between food and manners.
Don't be embarrassed by a 3 year old that forgets her manners. Any friends or family that expect perfect manners from a 3 year old doesn't have reasonable expectations. Even bigger kids (and adults) need gentle reminders every now and then.
