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About J.L. Slipak
Expertise
Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own. I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject. I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out.

Experience

Education/Credentials
BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.

You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Step-Parenting > Parenting Stepchildren > Wife and Ex-Wife Relationship

Parenting Stepchildren - Wife and Ex-Wife Relationship

Expert: J.L. Slipak - 10/6/2008

Question
My wife and ex-wife do not get along. I have been married to my current wife for 1.5 years. I brought two boys into the marriage (8 and 4). She brought two girls into the marriage (9 and 8). My boys see both me and their biological mother. Her girls do not see their father (He is currently a fugitive from the law.) Since we have been married, my oldest boy rides the bus with his stepsisters to my house after school. Most of the time I was there so that I could spend some more time with him than I would normally get. My current wife sees it as we are saving the ex-wife a ton of money that we shouldn't be doing. Lately, I have been having to work too late and can't get home to see him. My current wife wants to make the ex send him to after school care. Is this a reasonable request? My ex-wife is pissed and has now taken away me taking my boys to church on Wednesday evenings. We have been doing this for almost 3 years, but it is not an official visitation from my divorce decree. I also mentioned that my oldest wanted to play basketball. She stated that since she has to pay for childcard now that she can't afford it. My wife says we will not pay for all of it and won't allow him to play. Even though both of my stepdaughters are going to play. Is this fair to my son? I feel like I am punishing him for his mom being a turd.

Answer
Hello Kyle,

What you have to remember is that the children in the situation don't see what the adults see. All they know is that it's not equal...

A difference in love, a difference in attention, a difference involving sharing, a difference in what bios get compared to steps.

My solution, brace yourself... If one child doesn't get, then neither do the rest. If her daughters play, then so does your son. Fight for him, it's obvious your current wife won't and your ex-wife is more interested in money and manipulation of the situation. Also, if you really wanted to, you could fight to keep Wednesdays since you've been allowed to do this for three years and your Ex had no problems with it. She is using this to manipulate you into a corner and any judge would slap her wrist for this because she is using the children to achieve her goal.

I think before this blows up in all of your faces, you all need to remember that you are the adults here and continue to act like it. You need to set aside your differences for the sake of all children involved or you will find resentment taking over, bitterness knocking on your door to reason and jealousy barring your way to resolution.

The reality call for your wife... you have every right to spend time with your son. You have every right to love both of your sons in any way you can. They are your kids and belong in your life. She has no right to interrupt, destroy and change this. You want to encourage your children, both bios and steps to get along but how can they when the adults involved refuse to? I believe you can work this out if the two adult women involved can retract their claws long enough to see the reasoning needed here. For the children... always for the children. Otherwise, why have them? Or is that the point? To have them to use against someone for personal gain?

They need to realize that the depths of bitterness are incredibly difficult to repair once they have been allowed to set up home in your own living room. The common element here is you. You need to hold a meeting and have everything out in the open. Bottom line: he's your son... fight for him, no one else will.

J.L.

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