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About J.L. Slipak
Expertise
Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own. I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject. I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out.

Experience

Education/Credentials
BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.

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Parenting Stepchildren - grown stepdaughter and two kids who moved in with us

Expert: J.L. Slipak - 10/10/2008

Question
When they found themselves in an unsuitable home situation, I agreed to let my wife's 25 year old daughter, and her one and five year old kids move in with us "until she can get on her feet". That was one year ago. The kids have different dads, neither of which is in the picture in any way (the dads are Mexican). It has become clear that this child has no intention of getting on her feet. She has a job as a pharmacy technician making $11.50 an hour (a semi-professional job which requires state licensure, and which I was certain would pay more), but she often works until 8 or 9 PM, which is well after the day care closes. I have shown her job opportunities doing the same thing where she would not have to work after 5 or on weekends (she typically works every other weekend) but she shows no interest. My wife starts her day at 3AM since she has to be at work at 5. She has to pick the kids up at the day care most days, fix them dinner and get them bathed and in bed. My wife has to do all the laundry (by her own insistence) and clean up after the kids. We had only been married 2 1/2 years when they moved in. We have no life together - she is usually asleep on the couch by 7 pm. The daughter is happy to let her mom raise her kids for her. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am at the end of my rope. How do I get this kid to live her own life, so we can have ours?

Answer
Hello John,

"When they found themselves in an unsuitable home situation..."

You had no idea that they had been in one all along? It sounds to me like you were an opportunity waiting to be pounced on. How convenient for your new wife and her daughter and her family for you to have come along when you had.

Can you smell the coffee yet, John? In other words, surely you can see what is happening here?

Just for a moment, let's say that that is not the case and all of the circumstances are just an unforeseen series of events. The daughter is 25 years old. She is fully capable of taking care of her children since she was old enough to have them, place them with a father who was "unsuitable" and bring them into the lives they now live. This is called taking responsibility for ones own actions. She is educated and capable of working and does, however, she settles for a second rated job so that she can remain where she is comfortably being taken care of by her biomom, at the expense of your finances and your marriage. Anyone with a decent set of morals and values would be feeling quite guilty about these two factors after one year of mooching and leeching. However, this behavior is allowed and enabled by this woman's biomom, your new wife.

I blame her. She is allowing this situation to grow and continue without any regard to your needs or the commitment she made with you and your marriage. I know she is worried about her daughter, but there are other things that a parent can do for their child without sacrificing everything else with little regard. I would suggest talking to her about this, but I would gather that you already have and she's either excused it by saying it will get better,or, it's only for a little longer... or, she is doing the best that she can...

If her daughter were younger, I'd have another take on this. If it had only been a few months, I would say give it a bit more time. If the daughter had been making some serious efforts to remedy her situation and give you both back your lives, then I would say support her and encourage her, you are doing the right thing. If your wife was insisting on this girl taking another job, getting her another job and supporting you... I would say that all you needed was time.

However... That is not the case here. So, tell me John, are you smelling the coffee yet?

J.L.

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