AboutJ.L. Slipak Expertise Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own.
I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject. I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out.
Experience
Education/Credentials BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.
Question oh my, where do I start? I have been with my "domestic partner" for 3 years, 2 of these we have been living together. We both have 11 year old daughters in the same grade/school. I also have a 6 year old daughter. I have known my boyfriend for 8 years. Only because he was married to this woman that I have known (from our children being in the same school). As fate has it, we both divorced and are now together. I have known his daughter for many years and have gotten along with her. But, now and I am sure it is from her controlling, manipulative mother I am seeing behavior changes. She has her own space when she comes here, own computer, own bed. She constantly follows my daughter around, copying her. This is annoying my daughter greatly. Her dad has talked to her privately about this and most of her answers are "I know", or "I'm sorry". This is not the problem I am facing. I pick up my daughters from school everyday. Naturally, I see her. She completely ignores me when she is with someone from her mothers side. And, this has been going on for some time. Again, her dad has talked to her about being polite but she will only acknowledges me when it is convienent for her. I am feeling so disrespected and used that I am ready to break up our relationship. Today was the last straw, her mothers friend picked her up, she walked right by our car and completely ignored us. I can't get past the fact that she comes to my house every other weekend, and sleeps here, showers here, eats our food and I treat her like my own daughters. I consider her one of my mine. But I can't keep doing this. The hypocrisy of her behavior is more than I can take. And... to boot. When I try to tell her Dad to have alone time with her, she doesn't want it. She wants to be with us because we are fun, and we laugh and hug. I am resenting every minute even more when I see her and I don't' want it to be like this. And I so desperately try to let it go all the time, I am tired of being brushed off as if I am no-one.
Answer Hello Nancy,
Sounds like you sure are conflicted over this... Can you imagine how this young girl feels??? Imagine for a moment, she sees your world filled with fun, happiness and hugs... then imagine her living in a another world with none of this. Imagine for a moment, her having someone whispering in her ear all the things "nasty" and "mean" they want her to believe about you and your daughter, but deep down knows that they are not true... however, this doesn't stop them from whispering day in and day out. Imagine for a moment, all the "orders" and "rules" she must live by, such as: "you must not call her mom", you "must not acknowledge them when you see them if with us", "you are my daughter, not hers, so don't you dare stand up for her over me"... etc.... Yet, deep down, she wishes she were your daughter, that she could be like your daughter, free of all this manipulation she endures day in and day out.
This is a classic example of bio manipulation from a parent driven by bitterness. She's using her daughter, to get to her Ex. Actually, all you are to the bio is a pawn, just like her daughter and this is truly a shame. The damage being inflicted upon this eleven year old caught in the middle is going unchecked. Of all the things I've seen while doing my research on the subject, scenarios like this is truly the saddest. I think your partner needs to forget about the bruising of egos all these silly games are causing and go straight to the "real" issue. There are many forms of abuse, some that even don't leave an outward mark or sign, such as emotional and mental cruelty.
If this were a situation I was involved with and I was serious about the man involved and his child, I would encourage my partner to ask for a psych evaluation and an emotional assessment of the child in question before all this manipulative damage causes permanent harm. I would insist on being treated with respect while the child was in my care and ignore the other issues because that's what his Ex wants, a reaction. She's pushing your buttons and you're doing the dance well. Ignore the biomom's games, be yourself. No reason why you can't say hello to this girl when she passes, or wave to her when she looks at you. If she ignores you, remember what I said above.
