AboutLee Brochstein Expertise I can answer all questions on blending families and being a step parent. I can answer questions about discipline, visitation with the step children when you have your own children living with you and having your children visit with half siblings and step children in your spouses home.
Experience I was a step parent to 7 children for 5 years, as well as having two children during that marriage. I am now a step mother to 4 children that live in another state. My children have half siblings as well as step siblings at their father's house.
Education/Credentials Life experience and good common sense.
Expert: Lee Brochstein Date: 6/2/2008 Subject: Blended Family of Nine
Question Hi there. My partner and I sit here and write to you in hopes of some guidence for our family. Together in our house we have 9 children. They do wonderfully together when we can have them all here regularly; however my partner's ex HATES me, and trys to press their opinion on the children. When they return home, they are hateful and disrespectful to me and my children. They claim that they were told it was OK to do so. The ex also says bad things about my children. Recently we had a run in at one of the children's school ceremony where the EX was causing a very big scene when we tried to take a picture of the children together.
This has been going on for a while now. I tried to have dinner with the EX to pave a way forward and co-parent the children. Seems that it went in one ear and out the other.
I am worried that the relationship I had with the children is going to suffer. I find myself pulling back because I am tired of being emotionally hurt. Yet there is a HUGE part of me that finds the fight I have left to provide a loving and nuturing home for all the children. When I vary back and forth between these feelings, I feel so confused and I know that the teenagers must be able to pick up on that.
It is stressful for my partner and I. Although it has not deminished our relationship, we don't want it to get to that point. We can not tell the EX what to do or how to parent, we can only be better role models for our children than that and hope as they grow we have instilled good morals and character.
So what do we do in the mean time? How can we cope? How do we draw the line between "teenage space" and crossing the respect line? How do we prevent the small, impressionable preschoolers from repeat the older siblings behavior or adopting the EX's bad manners and opionions? What do we tell the other kids when there siblings come home acting differently? How do we adults continue to have a civil and productive co-parent relationship?
Thanks for listening,
The Funny Farm
Answer Mandy: I was in a similar situation, and although I am divorced, that had nothing to do with it. Unfortunately, you can't do anything about the ex and the damage that she is inflicting on the children. You and your husband need to maintain being consistent, and eventually the children see what is going on. Kids are much smarter than we think or give them credit for. An angry ex, is an angry ex, and she will remain that way. You also can't prevent the younger children from adopting the attitude of the ex. The ex factor won't get better. As long as you and your husband present a united front for the children, and continue to co parent with the ex, as hard as it is, then you have no fault. Just keep doing what you are doing. If it gets really bad, you can always go back to court, but that, of course, only makes it worse for the kids. I think that you and he staying on the same page, and providing a stable and loving environment for the children when they are with you, is the best that you can do. I applaud you for trying to make it right with the ex and sitting down for a meal with her. You are doing everything right, but you can't combat someone doing everything wrong. I wish you all the luck in the world.
