AboutJ.L. Slipak Expertise Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own.
I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject. I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out.
Experience
Education/Credentials BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.
Expert: J.L. Slipak Date: 6/11/2008 Subject: New custodial stepmother of 18 year old girl
Question Well, my husband and I are newly married in Feb. 2008; however, just moved in together recently (June) as his daughter was a high school senior and needed to finish the year in that school. Basically, she doesn't get along with her mother very well and her father (my husband) is extremely passive and has physical custody of her. I am not so passive or dismissive. I have a 4 1/2 year old son who also lives with us. The two kids share a bathroom and therefore, I do not want her stuff all over the counter when there is plenty of room to put it away. Not to mention that she left a hair iron plugged in (switch was off) for two days, when I went to unplug it, the electrical dept. was hot! Aleve bottles left 1/2 open, etc. My husband moved everything from their residence to the home we bought together several months ago which I have been living in since November. He set up her room and made her bed. She delayed coming to the house. It is about 30 mins. from where they lived; however, she has freedom and a car. Anyway, I overheard her say to him the night she moved in with a BIG attitude that she can't stand us and we annoy her. I happened to bump into her rounding a corner and asked if she was already starting with an attitude and she responded YES. We got along just fine prior to this living arrangement change.
Well, after I cleared the bathroom counter for safety issues as well as my own OCD, she pulled everything back out (not to use at 8:30 p.m.) and even plugged her iron back in. This morning I left a simple, yet direct note telling her the base was hot yesterday when I unplugged it, it is a shared bathroom with a 4 1/2 year old and I am not risking injury to him. Therefore, not to leave her appliances plugged in or products on the counter he could get into.
She leaves tomorrow for a two week trip. How should all this tension be handled. We haven't spoken since that bump in the hallway.
I feel that this is my house, she will be leaving for college in Aug. and if she can't respect me in my home, then she should go live with her mother. It is having an impact on my marriage already and I dread going home to my own house now for fear she may be home. She slams, stomps, sighs, etc. I understand moodiness but it wasn't my fault her parents split, nor that we bought a home in another town. I may have had some influence over that simply due to the school districts.
My husband and I are trying to conceive and I don't want this pressure to build up any longer.
HELP
Answer Hello Lisa,
Your concerns for your 4'1/2 year old are justified. I think the fact that you are trying to have another child may be causing a bit of jealousy with this girl, which is also understandable. No, you did not cause the divorce, however in this girl's eyes, you have taken her father away from her... so try a bit more patience and understanding that she will need to adjust, and time to get used to the new family idea.
I would recommend that you and your husband sit down with her as soon as possible and have a good talk. She needs to know she is still important to the family and that you love her equally, otherwise she will feel you are shoving her aside for the "new family" and she's not invited to attend. And, I would wait on the trying to conceive part for a bit until after she is gone. Work on the immediate family before bringing a new baby into the chaos. You may not be her mother, but your husband is and will always be her dad... this fact needs to be respected.
