AboutJ.L. Slipak Expertise Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own.
I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject. I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out.
Experience
Education/Credentials BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.
Expert: J.L. Slipak Date: 6/20/2008 Subject: Stepmother of 2
Question Hi, I am a stepmother of 2 girls - 12 and 7yo. I met my husband 3 years ago and we married a year ago. All the time him knowing I wanted a child of my own - him even having his vasectomy reversed so that we could have one. Once we got married, I started trying for a baby and he was very enthusiastic at first. Now he says he is "concerned that once I have a baby, I will push his kids aside." I am honest with him and have said that I will ofcourse have a stronger bond with my own child, but he doesn't seem to get this. However, in the next breath he tells me that if we have a child together, he will pay more attention to his 2 kids when they are over. On the whole, I get along fine with his kids and interact with them when they are here. However, I don't miss them when they are not with us and I don't have the burning need to spend my every weekend with them. We are newly weds and feel we do need sometime alone on weekends so we can build our own relationship. I think he thinks me asking him to ask his kids not to barge into our bedroom when I am getting changed and into the bathroom when I am using it, is me rejecting them.
I am now 35 and he is 48 and time seems to be "ticking". As time goes by, I am becoming resentful of him and his kids. Every second weekend when the kids are over, it hurts me to see him all over his kids and having that bond with them and kinda at the same time, feeling that he is depriving me of that.
A lil back ground, his ex wife meddles when ever she can and has harrassed me by phone and e-mails. I don't have anything to do with her and all I say to her is HI & BYE when I see her. I don't feel the need to have a relationship with her. She has a criminal record for shop lifting (charming!) and has stolen R10 000.00 from a friend of hers as well as R120 000.00 from her sisters hubby. Not my kinda person! *smile*
What do I do with regards to my situation with having a baby?
Answer Hello Lauren,
When you met him, you knew he had kids. Of course, he's going to want to spend time with them. Perhaps, you need to get some counseling to understand what it means to actually be a stepmom. If you are not willing to at some point be a mom of sorts to his children, then you need to rethink your situation. His children are not going away any time soon.
I suggest that you get into counseling with your husband to sort through all this, so that you both understand what it means to have a blended family. When you have your own in a blended family, one of the most important things you must not do is show favoritism in front of the steps towards any bios. This would be cruel. These children did not ask for their biomom and dad to split up. They are not to blame for the adults' mistakes. Add a resentful and jealous stepmom to the already scrambled guilt emotions they feel about this breakup and moving between two households and you are asking for grief. I don't think you are ready for a baby of your own at this time, not until you understand fully and accept the role you must play for your husband's kids. Counseling! Fast!
