AboutJ.L. Slipak Expertise Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own.
I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject. I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out.
Experience
Education/Credentials BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.
Expert: J.L. Slipak Date: 6/19/2008 Subject: Do I stay or do I go?
Question I have been married for 3 years (together for 7). We went to court and won majority custody of his 2 kids 3 years ago. This past x-mas the oldest, 15, chose to live with his mom and we kept the 7 year old. One reason the eldest left was due to the lack of attention he got from his father. My husband shows obvious (to everyone but him) favoritism for his daughter. Now that we have a son together (18 mths), I see that he treats the boys the same (meaning he doesn't spend any quality time with them) and treats the girl like she is the only star in the sky. I resent her for that but I resent him more because he puts her above everything and everyone else. The rest of us come in a distant second depending on who is in trouble. Since this is my first marriage, I don't know if he is a typical husband or not - but he doesn't show any concern or consideration when I am sick, doesn't help around the house, doesn't do a lot of parenting/disciplining (except with the boys), he doesn't even get the oil changed on my car or buy me new tires - I do all that too! I am pregnant again and now the ex-wife is telling me she wants the 7 yr old to live with her too. I agree because my life would be so much easier if I didn't have to deal with her but my husband has decided he will spend every last dime to fight to keep his daughter. While I can understand where he is coming from, I told him I will not stand by and do it again (the court thing) especially for the one person that is already ruining our marriage. So he asked me to put off whatever I am going to do (meaning leave him) until he is done fighting for custody. I took that to mean that once he has his precious daughter, he doesn't care what I do. And he knows I will be taking our 2 kids with me if I leave but that still doesn't make him want to fight for this part of his family. Am I out of my mind to consider leaving him and taking my kids? I don't want them to grow up feeling rejected, or second best, by their father, like the oldest one does. And if I am going to be a single parent to these kids, I might as well be divorced, right? Or is all this selfish on my part? He tells me I am just jealous of his daughter, but I don't think he knows the difference between jealousy and resentment - to me there is HUGE difference.
Answer Hello Sue,
So let me understand this... the adults in this scenario, who are refusing to act like adults seem to be waging war against each other instead of being what they are meant to be and setting a good role model for all children involved. If the adults would stop fighting and understand the importance of their position within this family, and the effects all this pettiness is having on all the children involved... then things might settle down. You are an adult... she is seven years old. I can't imagine how confused and messed up his daughter is with the back and forth nonsense between her bios. Your statement: "And if I am going to be a single parent to "these" kids..." Are they not your children? When you married this man, you knew he had kids? Now, you've added two more to the factor. Leaving should be the last resort. I think you need counseling to help you deal with all the conflicting thoughts you're having.
I see this so many times. Stepparents stepping into a role of "mom" and doing so with eyes shut. Your husband may need a bit of guidance on his marriage, but he is fighting for his child. If you truly loved this man, you would understand the importance of what he is doing, or at least, with what he is doing for the girl. Look at it from his perspective... He fights in court to get custody of both and the "boy" ends up going back to his biomom. He sees this as his son letting him down. His daughter wants to stay with him, this is why he is willing to fight so hard for her.
As for the rest, I believe he needs to get into marriage counseling with you to help you both deal with all the mixed emotions raging at this time. You are pregnant and the well being of the child you are carrying is important. I don't believe it would be in the children's best regard, if you leave.
Get counseling and embrace the family you've been blessed with. This is nothing compared to what you could be dealing with and easily remedied if all are willing to work at the marriage. If your husband isn't willing to go to counseling, get yourself into it.
