AboutJ.L. Slipak Expertise Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own.
I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject. I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out.
Experience
Education/Credentials BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.
Question QUESTION: My fiance and I are getting married in January 2009 and I have 3 daughters: 11 1/2, 10 & 2 years old. My two youngest girls love him to death and are as happy as can be with everything... My 11 1/2 year old is NOT. Her background: her father has not been a stable figure in her life... drugs, disappearing, currently incarcerated. When she was seeing him he and his mother would feed her lies about me a/k/a blaming me for him not being around and why we couldn't be a family and that he was such a good dad and wanted to be with her. My fiance moved in with us in the beginning of March and since then she has been acting out more than usual. Well, prior to then she really never wanted anything to do with me and didn't care because of everything that she was being told. Now, here we are, trying to get by and trying to get through to her. She is acting out, being extremely disrespectful toward both him and myself... ESPECIALLY him, not listening or following directions, diliberately ignoring him or being mean... and the list could go on. I've talked with my fiance and explained to him that she has been through alot with her father and that it has effected her greatly and that what I wanted him to do was to just be there, remind her daily of his intentions with her (which are to just be there for her, not take her fathers place, care for her and love her) and to continue to do that whenever needed and to allow me to be the disciplinarian and deal with all of the behavior issues. When things get heated up or she disrespects me he gets very upset and tries to talk to her and this only leads to the both of them yelling which gets us nowhere fast. I am trying so hard to deal with all of these things but do not know what else to do or how else to approach it. I need help and tips and a miracle... I know that therapy sounds like a good idea however she has been through therapists so much in her life that she tunes them out and doesn't let it help her. Please help.
ANSWER: Hello Kerri,
Her father is such a great person, yet he's in jail? Hmm... what's wrong with this picture...
I would recommend counseling, both individual for her and family for you all to learn coping methods, work out issues and give her a voice that should not be reprimanded if it's something you don't want to hear. Whether she tunes them out or not, arrange counseling. The other options are hard and difficult choices to make. Foster care... is the toughest, but if she refuses to be part of the family, perhaps, she doesn't wish to belong to the family anymore.
It's a shame adults can't put the well-being of a child before theirs, and people like your inlaws... should be ashamed of themselves. So much anger born out of jealousy... and look at the damage they've done.
You need to set rules and boundaries for this girl. It's only going to get worse until she realizes that he's not going anywhere and you both are going to stand beside each other and mean business should she break the rules. Counseling, regardless if you think it's going to work or not, and change the therapist.
Good luck,
J.L.
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QUESTION: Can you possibly help me with appropriate rules and boundaries for her? At this point everything that I have tried or set is not effecting her and I am feeling lost in it all.
Thank you for all of your help.
Answer Hello Kerri,
Without living in the situation, or having all the history and information that would be privy to a counselor, I cannot. These are excellent things to ask a family therapist when sitting for counseling with your fiance and your daughter.
