AboutJ.L. Slipak Expertise Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own.
I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject.
I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. As I am using this information for research, DO NOT SET YOUR QUESTION TO PRIVATE. I am not your personal counselor. This site is meant to help others in similar situations by being able to read those experiences and seeing my suggestions. I will most likely send your question to the "pool" if you do wish to remain a private emailer in order to allow another expert a chance to address your concerns.
I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out. I encourage Bioparents to stop fighting with stepparents and start working with them as a team.
Experience Living with stepchildren is incredibly difficult; being a stepparent has always been sterotyped under the Cinderella persona. The wicked stepmother, overbearing and cruel... Often times, the reality of the situation is completely different. Stepparents are expected to step in when the bioparent steps out, then are criticized and attacked when they try their best to be a good "fill-in" for the bioparent. Stepchildren are often the ones who are cruel and difficult, filled with issues surrounding their bioparent's divorce and resentment towards the "intruder" in their lives. No one truly knows how hard it is to be a stepparent, except another stepparent.
Education/Credentials BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.
Question I am engaged. My fiance and I have lived together with my two children for a few months. We purchased a home some time ago. We plan on being married within a year.
One of my children is exhibiting challenges. Specifically, he recently told his other parent/my ex (we have shared custody) that my fiance acts different when I am not around. This is implying, indirectly, that my fiance is not nice to my children when I am not there.
I struggle to believe this is true. My children seem to have no resenment towards my fiance, they regulary do things together, fun things. I see no hostility, no relationships issues. My fiance also has several children of his own, his a good father and good man. Why is my child saying this to my ex husband/their father?
Interestingly, I have heard the same from others that their children claim that mum or dads fiance is different when mum or dad are not around.
Different how? Is different a bad thing? What am I to make of this? I can state that when I am around I am the disciplinarian and my fiance does not get involved. When I am not however, he has my authority to verbally discipline the children. Is this the issue? That he does not discipline when I am present and the kids see him as a big old meanie when mom leaves?
Of course my ex sees it as a way to make trouble. Maybe its true. Maybe its not. Since it doesn jive with what I see, feel, etc. I am looking for possible causes.
(Note, I did discuss both with my child and my fiance. I dont like triangles and secrets. If there is a problem, we should all discuss it).
Answer Hello Blue,
This is indeed a difficult place to be. On one hand you want to listen to your child, as it should be, on the other hand you want to believe the man you love loves your child.
What can this be? Well, it could be a difference in personality that may lead to clashes. You never mentioned the age of the child, but if a teenager, this could be typical defiance by a teen... they all go through this stage. Or, there could be a legitimate issue of concern.
What do you do? I think counseling is a must to fix whatever is wrong between your child and fiance. I also think you should hold a family meeting and explain the rules of discipline to everyone at the same time to avoid a he said/she said battle (or a he said/he said), and get feelings aired out in the open with the hopes of mending fences. Whatever the issue, this needs to be dealt with before you get married.
Rules and boundaries need to be set for all as well as the rules pertaining to disciplining. Family meetings are great to hold once a week to see what anyone says without the fear of being punished. Remember, you are asking your children to share what's in their heart and on their minds... do not hold what they say against them. If you do, then they will never share again.
