AboutJ.L. Slipak Expertise Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own.
I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject.
I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. As I am using this information for research, DO NOT SET YOUR QUESTION TO PRIVATE. I am not your personal counselor. This site is meant to help others in similar situations by being able to read those experiences and seeing my suggestions. I will most likely send your question to the "pool" if you do wish to remain a private emailer in order to allow another expert a chance to address your concerns.
I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out. I encourage Bioparents to stop fighting with stepparents and start working with them as a team.
Experience Living with stepchildren is incredibly difficult; being a stepparent has always been sterotyped under the Cinderella persona. The wicked stepmother, overbearing and cruel... Often times, the reality of the situation is completely different. Stepparents are expected to step in when the bioparent steps out, then are criticized and attacked when they try their best to be a good "fill-in" for the bioparent. Stepchildren are often the ones who are cruel and difficult, filled with issues surrounding their bioparent's divorce and resentment towards the "intruder" in their lives. No one truly knows how hard it is to be a stepparent, except another stepparent.
Education/Credentials BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.
Question We are a very large blended family with six chidren total, ages 3, 10, 11, 12, 13 and almost 16. My husband's daughter from his first marriage (age 11) is easily manipulated by her mother, and rarely keeps her once-a-week visits because mom always has something more fun planned. Their agreement is not court ordered and dad refuses to initiate legal custody proceedings because he does not want to deal with his ex. I know that his "occasional" relationship with his daughter is disappointing to my husband, but I cannot do much more than encourage him to fight for her before she gets too much older.
His relationship with my four kids (now 10, 12, 13 and almost 16) in the beginning of our relationship (six years ago) was wonderful! We went places together and did things as a family, ate together and enjoyed each others company. We kept separate households until one year before we married, and as soon as we moved in together things went awry.
My husband (then fiance) and I really had a tough time making my children understand that we need to have mutual respect for one another by establishing rules and boundaries, cleaning up after yourself, being responsible for chores, doing as your told, etc. When kids didn't follow the rules, we punished by grounding, withholding allowance, making them write lines, essays about why certain rules are important...I could go on and on. Two years of consisitently following through with consequences has changed my kids quite a bit. Now, for the most part rules are followed, but I still have to remind them every now and then to pick up after themselves, or get started on their chores. I don't mind this because when I ask, they comply, but it makes my husband CRAZY. He feels that their behavior should just be automatic and I am being too lenient by not punishing them if they forget something or need to be reminded to do their chores. He yells at them and calls them names, tells them that they are stupid, and compares them to their irresponsible dad- all of which I feel is abusive.
I demanded that we go to counseling because we have a 3 yr old together and I want very much to hold the family together. We learned that we are doing the right things by establishing rules and boundaries for the kids with clear consequences. Counselor helped me convince my husband that parenting isn't easy but an occasional sock left in the middle of the living room floor, or forgetting to empty a wastebasket is no reason to launch a verbal assault on your kids. We came to the conclusion that my husband is probably easily agitated because he is working nights and taking care of the baby during the day and not getting enough sleep.
Despite our best efforts of spreading the responsibility of watching the baby over myself, my 16, 13 and 12 year olds, my husband still gets very agitated. Last night, we (the kids and I) left the kool-aid container on the counter instead of putting it back in the refrigerator, and he threw a screaming fit, and dumped the remaining half-gallon of it down the drain in a rage. This morning, before dropping my son off at school, I stopped to get myself a cup of coffee. My husband was so enraged that I did not bring a cup of coffee home for him as well that he threw the cup across the room, splashing coffee everywhere and laughing about it. He doesn't want to go back to counseling because he feels its a waste of money. I am at the end of my rope because I don't know what more I can do. I have suggested that he tell me if he gets angry at the kids about something and I will discipline them if he can't keep control of himself. But he resents not being able to discipline them right away because he has to wait until I get home from work to address an issue. Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Answer Hello Kara,
From the sounds of it, your husband is experiencing "overload" and not liking it one bit. He's taken on a woman with, I believe, four children; he's taken on the worry and financial responsibilies of caring for all the household (even though you may work too...) caring for five children (that live with you), and two adults. He is working shift work and has the worries associated with work in today's financial problems and probably some sort of debt as well. He is caring for a baby during the day???? Good Lord! Plus he has his relationship with you that he is trying to hold onto and is finding it difficult because of all the pressures.
And you wonder why he is losing it... Don't misunderstand me, I absolutely don't condone his actions, but I think I understand them. The very first thing he should do, is get into anger management and learn to backpedal his anger and resentment; if not, if will continue to build to the exploding point. Next, hire someone to help with taking care of the baby during the day, so the man can rest and take care of other things without the stress associated with caring for an infant. There is a strong degree of resentment building in this man, you can see it in how you describe his relationship and reactions to your children. He's lashing out at the children, but in effect, the one he's really angry with, I think, is you and himself. With you, he feels you just keep demanding things from him without trying to understand that he has limits--everyone does and not everyone can deal the same as someone else. This makes him feel less a man because he is obviously having trouble meeting all your demands and feels inadequate around you.
I think, you all need to rethink the family dynamics here and establish a bit of respite for both you and your husband together and some time for him for himself and you for yourself.
How much time do you spend just you and him? Make more time.
Whatever is going on with his child needs to be left alone. If the child is going to spend time with dad, then the child will. The constant battling is falling on "deaf" ears. The child's mind is full of the mother's voice. In time, when the child is older, she may realize what her biomom has done and wish to see her dad. The father needs to tell the daughter that he will always be around, loves her no matter what, and is available to see her when she decides that she would like to have a relationship with him and then he needs to step back, get his life with you organized, rest, find some "me" time, some time for you and him, and deal with his anger and resentment.
Once the stress is lifted, he will be different, but he is going to need help getting there.
