Parenting Stepchildren/Step son

Advertisement


Question
Hi rick
I married with my husband before 6 years.We live in a joint family system.At the time I got married he got a son from his x wife which she left when he was only 1 month. 4 years he was raised by the maid after the maid left my mother in law took his responsibility. But my husband had no role in his raising.As time of marriage with my husband it was settled that I don't have any relation with his step son.The boy from starting had an habit of beating maids not listening elders at all say bad words.But he always got the support from mother in law.when I got married he was 5 years old he try to beat me too. I complain about it to my father in law he shout on the boy next time he don't do it again.When step son was 5 I got my own son.Here my husband brother start saying elder is ur son too you should take his responsibility so my husband start being near to him.As from start I feel sympathy on the child tht his mother left him.But the mother in law never let him be near to me.Even if I try to stop from doing something wrong my mother in law always interfere and make me wrong time passes till now he never listen to me.As he don't respect me at all.Now my husband shift to usa for studies.Me my son and husband step son all shifted together.Im pregnant again and really frustrated becoz step son who is now 9beat my 5 year son.He never listen to me and yesterday he tried to hit me too but problem is tht he don't do this infront of my husband.My husband know I don't lie but still he don't  believe me.I am really upset yesterday even me and my husband fight on this matter.problem I'm pregnant and tension is not good 4 me.please guide me what to do
Regard
Sara

Answer
Sara... becoming a step parent means that you inherit a lot of the baggage that comes with your spouse, in this case a young boy who has not had a great childhood.

As a step parent you come into this as a outsider that has no position of authority, yet are expected to deal with him as a parent with little support and even resistance from other parental figures in his life. That is a difficult situation to be in.

I am not sure what you mean by a joint family system, and who settle it that you would have no relation  with your husbands son.

The fact is that he is the father of this boy and he chose(for whatever reason) to not be involved with him. Now he has been put back into the role of dad and you as the step mom.

What I am saying is that this boy needs someone who can love him and help him become a responsible adult. You can become a very important part of this boy's life.  

Think about what this young boy has been through.  His mother abandoned him as a baby.  His father abandoned him. He was raised by the maid who then abandoned him.  His grandparents then looked after him and now with the move to the USA he may feel abandoned by them.

I would suspect that this boy has a LOT of pain and anger inside of him. He most likely has huge trust issues and difficulty allowing himself to love anyone, because they end up abandoning them. He really needs someone to love him and guide him as he grows.  

From what you have said in your email I am lead to believe that you do not want the responsibility of dealing with him, and this will show in how you treat him.

He probably feels abandoned by you as well.

Everybody wants to feel loved.  So my guidance to you is to overcome your current feelings for this boy.  Find ways for loving him for who he is right now.  Give him support, show him that you are there for him.  Just LOVE him.  It will not be easy.  Step parenting seldom is.  But as I said you can become a major positive influence in his life.

Talk to your husband.  Not to complain, but to work together to find ways of letting this boy know that he has a family that loves him.

If these issues continue then seek out professional help. There are lots of places you can get help. Just ask at any Family/child support agency.

Rick

Parenting Stepchildren

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Rick Olson

Expertise

As a stepparent of 4 children and a family coach, I can answer questions about the issues that arise in step-parenting including discipline,blended families, boundaries and guidelines.

Experience

I have 18 years as a stepfather, and over three years as a family coach focusing on unifying, strengthening and empowering families.

Publications
My wife and I have written 2 books on Family FUSE Your Family - Family: Unify Strengthen Empower! and Raising Families

Education/Credentials
BA(Recreation Administration) Grad Studies in Urban and Regional Planning and Design Certified as a LifeSuccess Consultant/Coach

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.