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Parenting Stepchildren/Toxic stepdaughter's accusations


Hello Rick. I came across your post about step children abusing Step parents. My DH and I have a horrible situation with his now 20 year old stepdaughter. The BM left DH and left SD13 & SS8 living with DH. We subsequently met and married. SD left to live with BM at age 16.5. It's such a long story so I have to leave a lot out. SD was manipulative, demanding, histrionic and passive aggressive. She wanted to be top dog in the house and especially expected to dominate as the woman of the house. I trod lightly at first but it just got worse. She caused trouble with her high functioning auti brother and generally was always trying to get attention by crying and or manipulating and black looks. I was glad when she went to live with BM to be honest. Problem is that now, 4 years later she has decided that her father, the man who was there for her when her BM left, the man who always was the one caring for them even when BM was with him, the man who did everything he could for his family, was 'emotionally and psychologically abusing her' !  She sent a text to her aunt saying this because she was angry that she did not get invited to a family event (it's true and sad but DH didn't want the bad atmosphere she gives). Even worse, her BM is behind a lot of this and BM has demonstrated through the years that she must have some npd character disorder with her nasty emails and screaming down the phone at DH and SS (who still lives with us). Bm has now also found herself a 'flying monkey' in the form of a male friend of hers (not a BF, she already has one) who is now threatening DH by email and sent nasty FB message to me saying he is going to tell my family what I have done to SD! and that I am trash etc. (i have two grown up sons living overseas). SD had previously emailed after she left to live with BM that she 'would never accept' me and then a load of complaints about me and accusations and twistings of the facts.  We have been to the police about the threats which include one about a bomb etc and this is on going. My problem is that we are distraught with worry. It is affecting my health etc. We have done nothing to 'abuse' that girl, in fact quite the opposite. DH has taken for for therapy when she lived with him because she was upset about not being able to relate to BM, psych doc asked BM to come in and she would work with them so that SD would be able to talk easier to her. BM ignored it. 2 weeks later SD went to live with BM after an altercation with me whilst we were on holiday. She had been making the vacation a misery with her attitude and I finally snapped and raised my voice at her over one of her lies.

SD had forwarded DH's email in which he apologised for upsetting her by not inviting her and said that he had never 'abused' her. She also passed on to this guy DH's other email address and name of my FB account for him to abuse us. Where does this end? Have you any experience of cases like this and are we likely to end up in court with a judge accepting her lies? Stressed out.

Please tell me what you abbreviations mean so that I can fully understand what you are asking



About the only thing I can say is to avoid responding in any negative way. Keep things as positive as possible.  If someone is sending abusive emails or phone calls to you and your husband , keep a record of them.  You can get a restraining order against them and if they continue they can be charged legally. But you have to have the evidence to support it.  

One thing you can do is to change your email addresses, Facebook account and phone number if necessary.

It is unlikely that they would to you to court, but if you have the supporting evidence emails, telephone messages Facebook comment and you do not send any abusive messages then you will be fine.  


Parenting Stepchildren

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Rick Olson


As a stepparent of 4 children and a family coach, I can answer questions about the issues that arise in step-parenting including discipline,blended families, boundaries and guidelines.


I have 18 years as a stepfather, and over three years as a family coach focusing on unifying, strengthening and empowering families.

My wife and I have written 2 books on Family FUSE Your Family - Family: Unify Strengthen Empower! and Raising Families

BA(Recreation Administration) Grad Studies in Urban and Regional Planning and Design Certified as a LifeSuccess Consultant/Coach

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