Expert: Julie Adams - 3/30/2005

Question
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Followup To
Question -
My husband and I have been together for 14 years.  He has three children.  I have two children of my own.  It is 14 years later and his three children still do not respect me and do nothing to make me feel like they have any respect for me.  I have done everything I can to make them a part of our lives by inviting them to our home for cookouts for either fathers' day, 4th of july, their dad's birthday, etc.  I have never forced myself or my children on them but have always told them that I would always be there to help them because I love their dad and they are a part of their dad's life.    When they call, they don't say hi to me and if they leave a message they leave it for him.  They won't come to visit because of me and I know a lot of it is because they still hate me because I met they dad.  I thought when they turned 18 it would change and it has not.  They continue to make their dad pay for their anger by not being a part of his life and make no beef about the fact that it is because of me.  It is making me so angry because I hurt for him but I just don't have any control over it which makes me angry because I am just tired of dealing with it day after day.  Where do I go from here.
Answer -
Jessica,
I don't think you are giving me the whole picture. What do you mean that "I know a lot of it is because I met their dad."? Did you meet Dad while he was still married or what?
Help me with the complete picture so that I can give more informed advice.

Thanks, Julie

Julie,
Their dad and I were friends through work.  His marriage was pretty much non-existent when I met him.  He and I got very close as friends but I would not date him because he was married.  He went away to Aruba to make one more try of his marriage and pull it together and they ended up coming home early and he asked me if he could move in because he and his wife were not going to stay together.  I said yes, and that is when our relationship went to the next level.  The divorce was not a good one because the dad was not allowed to see the children because the mom said that they were psychology devastated and the courts decided that they did not have to see their dad until the counselor said it was okay for them to visit.  That day never came.  Everyone has told the children that I did not cause the divorce because the marriage was over a long time ago and that it would have either been their mom who left or their dad but I know in their eyes it was my fault.  I asked the mom to meet with me so we could talk because I felt if the kids saw us getting along it might help them let go of some of that loyalty to their mom that they have but she flat out said no because she has no problems and has no reason to meet with me.

I hope this helps,
Jessica

Answer
Jessica,
Unfortunately you are living with the results of a bad decision. Isn't it odd that they still try to have contact with him even though he is just as guilty as you are? I would quit trying to defend what you did. Your husband needs to do that when you start getting accused. He shouldn't answer their calls when they are purposefully ignoring you. He needs to take some ownership in this. He came to your door and you let him in. One is just as bad as the other. The kids are not going to let go of any loyalty to their mother. It just won't happen. And you can't ask them to do that or expect it. Live your life and go on. But from now on....your husband has to be the verbal one. You need to just back out and let him do the talking and explaining.
Do you have any religious convictions?

Julie