About Peter Gerlach, MSW Expertise I can answer questions about remarriage preparation, stepparenting, stepchild discipline, child visitation, grieving, stepfamily norms and myths, mission statements, stepparent job (role)descriptions, communication skills, loyalty and values conflicts, stepfamily identity problems, common pitfalls, ex mate and relative problems, stepfamily merger and adjustment tasks, name confusions, choosing an effective counselor, resolving money disputes, co-parenting support groups, and the family effects of court (legal) battles. I can`t answer questions about medicine, family law, legal stepchild adoption, or financial planning.
Experience
Past/Present clients I have worked clinically with over 1,000 midwestern divorced and remarried family members, and have had over 800 students in various seminars and courses since 1981
Question I am single with no kids - age 30. I have been dating a man for three years with two boys 7 and 11. I want to get married someday but I am afraid to marry him because of his ex and kids. He feels guilty for leaving so he does not discipline them. They act like babies. He misses them constantly and I wonder why I am not enough. They used to act like they liked me but when their mom is around they won't speak to me. She has remarried and has another kid. His oldest has still asked if it weren't for me would they get back. I don't miss them. I hate them and I wish they would move away. Help me learn how to change me attitude and not feel so resentful over these kids. I know I am chosing to be with him but they really manipulate him. I don't want kids and he knows I am not going to babysit while he works. I know by getting married I would be obligated to do this but I would be afraid their mother would sue me. The younger one did seem closer to me and now they both seem distant. The older ones birthday is Friday and I got him a card and wrote I am glad you are in my life. He thanked me for it. I don't really feel like that but I thought I could say it and then feel it. He probably thought I don't act like it and I guess I don't always. I am just myself. I don't go out of my way to do things with them or for them as I see them as an inconvience. I want to please my boyfriend so help me help myself.
Answer Hi Shelly - though you are a unique person, your story is familiar. I suspect you don't "hate" the boys, but really dislike the confusing feelings that their and their Dad's (and Mom's) behaviors bring up in you. If you haven't read anything about stepfamilies, I urge you to read these two books with your partner:
"Becoming a Stepfamily," by Patricia Papernow, and "Stepfamily Realities," by Margaret Newman. Also read and discuss these with your partner:
2) If you choose to commit to him, his kids, and their biomom and stepdad, you can expect some *years* of divisive values and loyalty conflicts, and relationship "triangles." The best time to discuss an effective strategy with your partner for mastering these is before re/marriage! See and discuss these:
3) Often, stepfamily role and relationship "problems" are not what they seem. Try reading and applying this to _ what you feel and _ need in trying to decide how to navigate through your situation:
This is a LOT, so pace yourselves. Your timing in asking your question is just right (i.e. before re/marriage)! Patience, curiousity, and *learning* are keys to long-term stepfamily success, Shelly...
