About Peter Gerlach, MSW Expertise I can answer questions about remarriage preparation, stepparenting, stepchild discipline, child visitation, grieving, stepfamily norms and myths, mission statements, stepparent job (role)descriptions, communication skills, loyalty and values conflicts, stepfamily identity problems, common pitfalls, ex mate and relative problems, stepfamily merger and adjustment tasks, name confusions, choosing an effective counselor, resolving money disputes, co-parenting support groups, and the family effects of court (legal) battles. I can`t answer questions about medicine, family law, legal stepchild adoption, or financial planning.
Experience
Past/Present clients I have worked clinically with over 1,000 midwestern divorced and remarried family members, and have had over 800 students in various seminars and courses since 1981
I was married for 3.5 years to a good guy who has three great kids (now ages 17,11,7). They lived with their mother in another state, but visited monthly. I have two sons ages 15 and 11 who lived with us. We did a reasonably good job of merging families and everyone bonded.
When the marriage ended a year ago, my former husband put in the divorce paperwork that I was not to have any contact with his children. I was able to pursuade him to take it out and my sons and I have kept in contact with his kids. I have done so through their mother as he is still very against contact. We exchange birthday and Christmas gifts and speak on the phone monthly. We went to a school play that they invited us to and have had dinner together once.
His children want to have more contact, particularly when they are nearby visiting their father. He won't allow it, so they have started "sneaking" to do it. I allowed this at first, but have since realized that I can not condone or encourage that and won't allow it to continue.
I don't feel that our contact, through their mother, is inappropriate or damaging to them. My former husband feels otherwise and is essentially ordering me to have no contact, anywhere, with the kids. Pursuing it is likely to bring legal action, as well as verbal abuse, down on me - yet I will gladly do it to maintain this relationship. However, if I am wrong and it is harming the children - I will let it go.
I'd appreciate any advice you have - thanks!
Chris
Answer Hi Chris - tough situation, clearly described. My experience is when a divorced bioparent objects to contact like this, there are probably (at least) three underlying problems: (1)psychological wounds (which usually predate the re/marriage), (2)ineffective communication between you ex mates; and (3)probably blocked grief over divorce-related (and/or other)losses. See if these pertain:
Your stepkids choosing to see you and your kids against their Dad's wishes puts the kids in the middle of loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles. These are stressful for everyone, and may give the kids significant guilt and anxiety. So does "sneaking." If you incur verbal abuse and possible legal action, that also hurts everyone, including your biokids. Your using his first wife as an intermediary also sets up an us vs. him dynamic which may amplify other unfinished conflicts. Would your ex consent to mediation or post-divorce counseling to seek a solution? Whether yes or no, I suggest asking each stepchild how the present visiting scheme _ feels and what they each _ need. A large issue that you all face is how to grieve your many losses from coming apart. Continued contacts need to be balanced against that, long term - not easy! See these:
From your brief sketch, I can't judge whether your stepkids may be hurt by defying their Dad and "siding" with you. In general, dishonesty raises guilt, distrust, and dishonesty, and lowers self respect and security. I compassionately suggest the larger issue is how the re/divorce has hurt *all* your kids... (and you adults)
Take your time absorbing all this, Chris, and ask if they bring up new questions
