About Peter Gerlach, MSW Expertise I can answer questions about remarriage preparation, stepparenting, stepchild discipline, child visitation, grieving, stepfamily norms and myths, mission statements, stepparent job (role)descriptions, communication skills, loyalty and values conflicts, stepfamily identity problems, common pitfalls, ex mate and relative problems, stepfamily merger and adjustment tasks, name confusions, choosing an effective counselor, resolving money disputes, co-parenting support groups, and the family effects of court (legal) battles. I can`t answer questions about medicine, family law, legal stepchild adoption, or financial planning.
Experience
Past/Present clients I have worked clinically with over 1,000 midwestern divorced and remarried family members, and have had over 800 students in various seminars and courses since 1981
Follow-Ups to Answer from Expert Peter Gerlach, MSW
bitter wrote at 2007-06-08 21:13:22
I have been forced into a similar situation. My husband of 18 years recently revealed that he had a 17 year old daughter from a "brief fling". The pregnancy must have happened weeks before our marriage. I was furious at that revelation alone but now he wants to have a relationship with this girl. Early on in our marriage we both decided that we did not want to have children. Now that I am past childbearing years , this is a great blow to my sanity. He thinks that I should welcome her with open arms. I am stunned that he would even consider getting to know her on any basis. To make things worse, he has secretly had contact with her many times and has had the rest of his family involved with her. I was totally in the dark. When I confronted my husband about the secrecy he said he did that to spare my feelings. I simply called it deceit. There is a part of me that actually hates this girl for entering into an established and happy marriage. Although she is only 17, she certainly has wisdom enough to see that I will not welcome her as a stepchild. In my non-professional opinion, my husband feels very guilty about not raising her and is attempting to make up for lost time, even at the price of his devoted wife.
I have sought counseling and learned to "cope" with the situation but the bottom line is: she is his bio daughter and I am only his wife. Even society encourages these unhealthy relationships with bastard children. The girl herself is wild in every sense from a drug abusing mother. She is looking for any opportunity to take whatever she can. Money, property, time, you name it...she also feels she is "owed" something.
I do not know how long I can tolerate this horrid stepchild. One thing I am thankful for is that she will be 18 soon and an adult. That gives me more control un the law to keep her away from me. I often pray that she moves thousands of miles from here. Then I would dread the phone calls and e-mail from her to my husband but at least she would physically be gone.
