AboutJ.L. Slipak Expertise Over the last 19 years, I have been researching the issue of stepparenting/stepchildren and living life as a blended family. I have 4 stepchildren. I am available to answer any questions regarding parenting a stepchild/stepchildren and will base my answers using my own personal experience with 4 of my own.
I'm an advocate for children with special needs and have worked in the legal area of Family Law and Civil Law for 7 years. I'm a published writer of this subject.
I have dealt with many issues including: dealing with the biological parent, eating disorders, relationships between siblings, education, access, etc. I can offer support, personal opinions and resources based on research I've used while writing about these subjects. Don't ask me any questions that you have the answers for already. Make sure you include all information pertaining to the question at hand, as I base my answers on what you've sent me. Remember, this is just my opinion and nothing else. As I am using this information for research, DO NOT SET YOUR QUESTION TO PRIVATE. I am not your personal counselor. This site is meant to help others in similar situations by being able to read those experiences and seeing my suggestions. I will most likely send your question to the "pool" if you do wish to remain a private emailer in order to allow another expert a chance to address your concerns.
I wish all stepparents great success with their perspective lives. Remember it takes a lot to step in when others have stepped out. I encourage Bioparents to stop fighting with stepparents and start working with them as a team.
Experience Living with stepchildren is incredibly difficult; being a stepparent has always been sterotyped under the Cinderella persona. The wicked stepmother, overbearing and cruel... Often times, the reality of the situation is completely different. Stepparents are expected to step in when the bioparent steps out, then are criticized and attacked when they try their best to be a good "fill-in" for the bioparent. Stepchildren are often the ones who are cruel and difficult, filled with issues surrounding their bioparent's divorce and resentment towards the "intruder" in their lives. No one truly knows how hard it is to be a stepparent, except another stepparent.
Education/Credentials BFA, working towards my Masters. Stepparent of 4 stepchildren.Bioparent of two, all inclusive of two special needs children: one down syndrome; the other ODD/ADD.
Question My current husband had never been married, no children and pretty much kept himself reclusive,very little experience with relationships. We married 2 years ago. My son was 12 years old at that time. My son welcomed him very happily, just glad to have a man in his life. I had not had a relationship (by choice) since divorcing my son's father 6 years previously. My husband "pretended" to be exactly what we needed. Once we were married, everything changed instantly. It is quite obvious that my husband is jealous of my son. I feel like this stems from a very dysfunctional childhood on my husband's behalf where he was always over-shadowed by his bubbly-personality sister. It's still quite obvious with his parents who their favorite was. She committed suicide while going through a divorce 14 years ago. He grew up with no attention, she got it all.
To paint a picture of my son, he is an A-B student, very much an athlete, has NEVER, ever said one cross word to my husband. I'm not just saying that as a mother. Several friends and family has said "If he can't handle THAT child, he just can't handle ANY child." He faked interest before we married in my son. My son ate up the attention. We got married, and he now treats my son as if he's invisible. He has made very vicious statements about him and has openly accused my son as being the sole reason for our marital problems. The child has done nothing...it's my husband's attitude that is the problem. It hurts me very badly to see the hurt on my son's face every time he's ignored. I found out that my husband has a very serious lieing problem. Included in that is his lieing about me and my son. He lied to his mother about my son, prompting her to write me a nasty letter stating that she knew that "your son must have done something to my son or he would never have treated him badly." I responded to her and let her know that her son had lied, my son did nothing to deserve bad treatment and they my son is a CHILD. Therefore, would not deserved bad treatment even if he was a "typical" child and was rebelling against his step dad (which was not the case.) Then I found out that he called a friend of mine and asked her not to tell me...which of course she did...and proceeded to lie to her. Unbelievable some of the things she said that he told her! Some about me but she said that when he talked about my son he had so much resentment in his voice that it gave her the creeps. He still does not know that I know about this phone call. I own the house we live in. I want him out but he won't go. I am afraid. I am afraid that his warped sense of reality is going to cause him to lash out towards my son if I file for divorce. What can I do?
Answer Hello Lisa,
If divorce is the decision you have arrived at, do not hesitate, seek help from the police in having him removed from your home. As the home owner, you can do this. The amount of counseling that would be involved for your husband would be extensive and would have to go as far back to his own childhood and issues within his own family dynamics growing up. I think regardless of the outcome here, he should seek help.
With that said. You own the home, he can be removed. Do so immediately for I feel that this situation will not improve any time soon, but rather get worse. I am not sure where you are, but you then need to file for a restraining order, so that the police have something to use should he continue to bother you. Your friend was right in going to you with her information. You may need her to sign a sworn affidavit. I hope you still have the letter his mother wrote you. Get a lawyer involved. You must protect yourself and your child. That is the priority here. I fear for the safety of you both.
Once he is gone, you will need to enter into counseling for healing and strengthening yourself against the damage he's inflicted on your both. Your son will need you to be strong and assured and also counseling to help him understand and cope with all that has happened.
You would be surprised at the amount of similar situations to yours that are out there. Please do not let this go too long. Remove yourself from anymore he said/she said battles, you will not win. He sounds manipulative and dangerous. Please be careful and act fast and without hesitation.
