About Peter Gerlach, MSW Expertise I can answer questions about remarriage preparation, stepparenting, stepchild discipline, child visitation, grieving, stepfamily norms and myths, mission statements, stepparent job (role)descriptions, communication skills, loyalty and values conflicts, stepfamily identity problems, common pitfalls, ex mate and relative problems, stepfamily merger and adjustment tasks, name confusions, choosing an effective counselor, resolving money disputes, co-parenting support groups, and the family effects of court (legal) battles. I can`t answer questions about medicine, family law, legal stepchild adoption, or financial planning.
Experience
Past/Present clients I have worked clinically with over 1,000 midwestern divorced and remarried family members, and have had over 800 students in various seminars and courses since 1981
Question Hello. Im 39,male,divorced, have 2 kids from marrage boy 14 girl 12. Living with partner whom i left my wife for. She has two kids boy 14 girl 9. The probelm is the relationship i have with her son. I cant stand him. Even after 5 years living with him, all my feelings are negative. My partner and i have very differant ideas on child rearing. I call her a liberal wuss, she calls me a bully! I think he is lazy, selfish,inconsiderate, always seeking attention and approval, he always buts into our conversations. My partner keeps saying its to do with his self doubt, that he is a teenager, etc etc. Always making excuses for him and saying its up to me to change. But i think he needs to sort himself out, if thats possible, and start doing as he is told, remembering what he has been told, and just be himself and calm down a bit, rather than trying all the time to be the centre of attention, the first, involved in everthing. I could go on but i think you get the idea. We have nearly split up over this issue on many occasions and I do want things to get better for everbodys sake. You help and advice is greatly appreciated. Ian.
Answer Hi Ian - no easy solution to this common stepfamily stressor. I suspect there are at least four or five basic problems happening at once: (1) a web of values and loyalty conflicts and "relationship triangles" between you co-parents and kids; (2) perhaps some unrealistic adult expectations (of your stepson and partner) from not knowing what to expect in a stepfamily; (3) probably some normal confusion about your stepdads role (and his role as stepson; and (4) you and your partner don't know how to problem-splve these as teammates. A likely fifth problem is that (5) both of you have suffered some significant wounds in your childhoods that are affecting a LOT of current things in your stepfamily.
If this sounds complex - it IS! The good news is - if you and she commit to learning together, you can reduce each of these *and other problems I'm not aware of). Read and discuss these in order, one at a time. Take several weeks - there's a LOT:
Ian, you can change your attitudes, expectations, and priorities. As you know, you *can't* change your stepson's personality or his Mom's basic parenting values. It may be that you all are not meant to be a stepfamily, if your fighting over your stepson is more important than your long-term adult relationship. Stepfamilies are HARD WORK for most couples and kids. They CAN work, if you two do your homework and flex to meet each other "in the middle."
All of the above (and more) is available in a pair of guidebooks:
