AboutJames Windell Expertise I am a parent trainer, psychotherapist, and author specializing in parenting issues.During the past 40 years I`ve worked with parents with discipline problems and challenging children. I give frequent lectures and workshops related to discipline, social skills, and aggressive children. I consult with various agencies and schools where there are child behavior problems. I am listed in the American Psychological Associations` media panel as an expert on parenting and am frequently quoted in leading magazines and newspapers.
Experience I have worked in a juvenile court as a clinical psychologist and as a psychotherapist in private practice. In the Oakland County (MI) Juvenile Court, I developed an award-winning parent training program for parents of adolescent delinquents. In addition I have done group therapy with adolescent delinquents using a social skills-building model. I have consulted with courts, schools, churches, preschools, and domestic violence shelters in areas of parenting.
I received my BA with a major in Psychology in 1963 from Wayne State University. I got my MA in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University in 1972.
I am a member of the American Psychological Association and the Michigan Psychological Association. I have written pamplets, newspaper articles, and professional journal articles. I have been the Coping With Kids columnist for the Oakland Press for 21 years, and my columns also appear weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been the author or co-author of 12 books. My books include, 8 WEEKS to A WELL-BEHAVED CHILD, CHILDREN WHO SAY NO WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SAY YES, and 6 STEPS TO AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT TEENAGER. My latest parenting book is THE FATHERSTYLE ADVANTAGE. I have appeared on over 175 radio and TV shows related to my books and parenting. For more information about me, my books and columns, go to my website at Jameswindell.com
Question Hi James, I have a beautiful 12 year old daughter that I just found out that she has done some sexual things with a 15 year old boy. She let him finger her, feel her breasts and gave him a hand job. When I asked why she did it she responded that she wanted him to break up with his girlfriend because she liked him and if she did this with him he would break up with his girlfriend. She also said that she got what she wanted. She has no remorse at all and she doesn't believe what she did is wrong. Alot of her friends are now mad at her and she is starting to get a name, we live in a very small community. She doesn't care what people are thinking and this 15 year old boy is now having sex with another girl. My daughter believes that this boy really likes her. Yeah right! I don't know how to handle this and I am so disappointed and upset, I am having a hard time even looking at my daughter. I am also very worried for her as alot of people know about this incident and supposedly this the second time with this same boy. I found out from a friend of hers and this friend asked me not to tell my daughter who told me.
Answer Hello Carrie Ann,
Yes, of course, this would be a concern. More than the fact that there was sexual behavior involved is her attitude. This somewhat callous attitude may not be indicative of a problem, but it could be. In other words, it seems that in this incident you found out about her being willing to engage in sexual behavior in order to get what she wanted.
I think that is the concern which bears watching in the future.
I think a way of handling this is to use a reprimand plus reasoning. That is, you must say to her (in a relatively short reprimand) that you are disappointed in her because she used sexual behavior to get what she wants. Then, use reasoning. Reasoning means that you tell her why something is right (or wrong). So, you could tell her that sexual behavior at her age is dangerous and then give her some specific reasons. Also, say that her attitude and values were wrong -- and again give her specific reasons (people won't like her; she'll get a poor reputation; other boys may try to use her; your family values are opposed to using people, etc.).
But don't expect that using these techniques once (or twice, or three times) is going to bring about a great change. But being consistent in telling her why things are right and wrong, and explain what your values are and why you have certain values.
Best,
James Windell
