AboutBj Hickman Expertise I can answer questions and offer advice regarding relationships with parents and teenagers, including but not limited to cases involving drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, sexual abuse, and divorce. I enjoy teaching parents how to prepare themselves for their child becoming a teenager and assuaging their fears of those "dreaded teenage years". I want parents to know they can not only survive those years, but they can actually enjoy them!
Experience I am the mother of two grown children, 28 and 26. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. We have 29 years experience counseling parents and teenagers. We have learned some things along the way and often are asked to speak to groups on parent/teenager relationships. We also lead a seminar for teenagers on suicide awareness. However, what I feel makes me most qualified is our own children with whom we enjoy close and open relationships. Our kids are well-rounded, high functioning adults who are caring and are often sought out for advice from their friends and their friends' parents.
Expert: Bj Hickman Date: 6/30/2008 Subject: 13yo son & sexuality
Question QUESTION: Hi, I have a 13 year old son who has dome something that I feel I need advice for, in order to handle it properly. We just moved to a new town. So my husband and I thought it would be a good idea to have our "old" neighbors come visit for a few days this summer. One of the "neighbor" kids is a 13 year old girl. During the night my son went into the room where this 13 year old girl was sleeping and touched her on her private area (over her pj's) and kissed her on the cheek. The girl did wake up but was too scared to open her eyes to see who it was. In the morning she told my husband and I what had happened. She was very scared, since she did not know who it was. My husband and I decided to ask my son about this incident. At first he did not want to admit it was him, but I stressed the importance of this issue and he did admit it was him, but could not explain why he felt this type of behavior was okay. My concern is, how do I know if he has done anything like this before?Wedid ask, but he said he has not. Should we believe him? Do I need to be concerned about the safety of my own daughter. I have four children, so I would like advice on how to address this subject with all of them. I have never seen him display anysexual behavior prior to this incident so i'm concerned. Is my kid a pervert? Do I need to worry about him being alone with his sister, or do you think he's just got raging hormones and saw an opportunity and took the risk? Please help! My thoughts have been racing since this happened. Thank you
ANSWER: It's very possible this just came from typical adolescent curiosity, but you are very wise in having the concerns you have. You've already expressed to him the severity of this behavior. If you haven't already, it's important to express to him the importance of a girl's right to consent.
I would get him some counseling. A therapist can help you determine if this was an isolated incidence.
In addition, I'd sit down with each of your children. Don't mention your son's behavior. Just talk to them about the importance of always letting you know if they are uncomfortable with anything anyone says or does to them, even if it's a family member. Let them know if someone ever touches them against their wishes, it's never their fault and that they will never get in trouble for telling you, no matter what.
Molesters always swear their victims to secrecy, often by threatening to harm their parents or them if they tell their parents. Make sure your other children know you can't protect him/her or yourself if you don't know there's a problem and if someone does ever say something like that to them, you need to know so you can stop them from hurting them or you or anyone else.
If something has happened already, they probably won't tell you right away but having this conversation is likely to make it eat at them till they finally come and tell you.
Watch for other signs. A sibling that doesn't want to be left alone with your son, or with whom he bickers more than the others. A sibling who constantly tries to get him in trouble, for example.
I hope this was just a lapse in judgment and that your son has learned from it. Don't let this consume you. Have him speak with a professional...he'll be able to ascertain in a couple of sessions whether this is a serious issue. And even more importantly, if your son does have sexual addiction issues, he will be getting help early while something can be done to help him. And if he's not, he will realize very quickly just how serious an issue this is.
The best of luck to you.
Sincerely,
Bj Hickman
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QUESTION: Thank you very much for your response, it is very helpful. I now have another fear, however. My daughter and this son constantly bicker. My daughter is only 8 and I have not yet spoken to her about this but intend to right away. My fear is that if, indeed, she was also violated how to handle it? My husband may lose his cool and I have no idea what he may do. My daughter is his joy. I fear this may tear my family apart. I intend to get my son into counseling, but this may be another issue entirely. Please let me know the best way to handle it. Thank you again. Lisa
Answer If indeed this is happening, the counselor will be the best one to advise you in regard to how it should be handled. Don't just assume the bickering means it is. Those are just possible symptoms. Be careful not to turn this into a witch hunt. Take one thing at a time. Line up a counselor for your son, then talk to your daughter.
Hopefully these things will give you some clarity and you'll be able to then determine what the next step is. Rely on the expertise of the counselor for guidance. If you can find someone who specializes in this issue, even better, but any therapist will be helpful to you.
I'll keep your family in my prayers, and I especially pray for wisdom for you. I hope you'll let me know the outcome.
