AboutKjirstin Expertise My own dysfunctional youth in an alcoholic family helped me decide to raise my children with love, acceptance, and honesty. It must have worked. We`ve got terrific kids. I don`t yet know if I can help others, but I`d like to try. Our world is so much better when we lift instead of crushing. Every child is worth more than any bank can hold. If I can help at all, it will be in teaching both parent and child of their own personal value to humanity, and how to punch through the noise of the moment to find their greater purpose. Together, we can all make a better world.
Expert: Kjirstin Date: 6/25/2008 Subject: 16 year old son
Question My son is 16 yrs. old.What can I do to motivate my son to be more active over the summer. I wanted him to get a part time job, however he was not interested. It's a little late for that right now anyway. Most of his friends from have moved on to different sports and activities. I worry that he is not socially adjusted. He is a good kid. Not involved in drugs/alcohol. I just worry about him socially. How can I get him to make more friends! He does try.
Answer Dear Donna-
Your question is one 80% of parents of teen boys are asking every day while they tear out their own hair, wondering what they've done wrong. This question wouldn't even come up in most countries of the world. Our kids are so spoiled they have no motivation. We give them everything they need, so they feel entitled. It's only getting worse.
How can we stop it? By demanding accountability.
Did you notice how you excused your son right after you stated what you wanted from him? (The part about the job.)
We know deep inside as his parent-his guardian and guide through this world-that something isn't right. We want to fix it, but we don't know how, or where to start.
If you've read any of my past answers, you've heard my own story of how I was doing poorly in school until a counselor 1) gave me a sincere, believable compliment 2) asked me what I WANTED to do (something I had never dared dream before, as I never thought beyond each day) and 3) took action so I could follow through.
Now, after you've seen that, think about your son's strengths. What have you noticed he really excels at in his life? Have you ever pointed it out to him?
Have you ever asked him what he wants to do in his life? Not "what do you want to be when you grow up" but who he is deep inside...now...what excites him...what does he do in his dreams...what is his driving force; his passion in life?
Sit down with him and show him the following list. I just made it up from things I know. You can add anything else you think might interest him. Don't take anything off you "know" he won't like. My own son, who was 16 last summer and going through the very same thing, ended up doing ballroom dancing (it's all the rage now) guitar, and studying the weather; he wants to become a meteorologist. Who knew? I certainly didn't notice how he watched the weather reports, and went online looking at clouds! He's not even interested in the broadcast end of it-which would have been my guess-he wants to study it scientifically; he wants to be the guy chasing down the pressures and patterns. Wow. He's doing that now, and I don't have to 'motivate' him. When they find what they like, what they really love in their heart of hearts, they go after it themselves.
Now, have him choose at least three interests from the list:
Amateur Radio (Ham)
Animals & Pets
Astronomy
Ballroom Dancing
Big Brother/Big Sister/foster grandparents
Birds
Boys & Girls Club
Boy Scouts
Camps
Caving
Church groups
Coin collecting
Cooking
Community Theater
Cross country walking/running/skiing
Dinosaurs
Fishing
Flowers
Fossil collection
Gardening
Gemstones
Genealogy
Graphic Design
Habitat for Humanity
Heritage
Historical Society (city/state or area)
Horses (care/feeding/grooming)
Horseback riding
Kickboxing
Martial Arts
Meteorology
Model building
Model trains
Movie making
Music (instrument or voice)
Paint Ball or Air Soft Games
Painting
Photography
Raising Bonsai
Rebuilding a classic car
Rock collection
Rollerblades/Skates
Running
Sculpture
Sewing
Skateboarding
Snowboarding (If you live in the southern hemisphere, or in Utah, where resorts are still open!)
Swimming
Teaching
Traditions
Reading
Robotics
UFOlogy
Volunteerism
Website Design
Woodworking
World religion's study
Writing
Go to your computer and type in it's search the following: Your city, your state, and the word on the list. Now hit 'search'. Bam! Up will come a list of all the places you can go to do those things! Schools, meet-up groups, organizations...it's all right there for you to choose. If your town is too small, you may have to use the largest city near you, but chances are, there is someone not far from your son with the same interests. Call the organizer, and plan to attend the first meeting with him. After that, he can decide where to go. Once he finds his "mojo" he will find his friends. They will be right there waiting for him.
If nothing is in your area, you can start your own group. Go to craigslist and advertise. It's free, and you'd be amazed how many people read it. Yes, you obviously have to be wary of pedophiles, etc. but if you supervise, you can sort through the good/bad.
The trick is, really, to lay down the law. He's a smart boy. Tell him that, and tell him you EXPECT him to stop being a slug and do something this summer. It's not too late to plant tomatoes if you get them in the 4 inch pots. Get cracking!
