AboutKjirstin Expertise My own dysfunctional youth in an alcoholic family helped me decide to raise my children with love, acceptance, and honesty. It must have worked. We`ve got terrific kids. I don`t yet know if I can help others, but I`d like to try. Our world is so much better when we lift instead of crushing. Every child is worth more than any bank can hold. If I can help at all, it will be in teaching both parent and child of their own personal value to humanity, and how to punch through the noise of the moment to find their greater purpose. Together, we can all make a better world.
Expert: Kjirstin Date: 6/28/2008 Subject: 19 yr old son & marijuana
Question My son started smoking marijuana in about the 11th grade I believe. He is
now 19, we barely got him out of high school - grades plummeted in his
senior year - seemed to just not care anymore. He has dropped out of
college although says will go back in Sept. -- just lost his job as a server at
Ruby Tuesdays, I think because of his scruffy appearance and "smoke
breaks". He has always been such a great kid, good in school and
gymnastics, but now seems to not care about the downward direction his life
is going. My husband and I have talked till we're blue in the face, he seems
now to just shut down when we try to talk sense into him. I'm just sick about
this situation, bordering on depressed, don't know what to do -- how to get
a 19 year off this path of destruction. He just got another job at a coffee
shop making only $6.50 an hour -- probably only one he could get since no
drug test. I've noticed his grooming habits have taken a turn for the worse
too. Have you got any ideas what I can do?
Answer Dear Melissa,
Of course he won't listen to you. You're old. You can't understand. Besides, you're no longer important in his life. The only thing that is important to him is his next high, and how to make it higher.
This website has a world of information for you. If your son won't listen to you, perhaps he may be convinced by a former addict.
I applaud you for caring enough about your son to come forward and ask for help. You will all need it.
Your real son is still inside him somewhere, and once the fog clears, he may be able to take the steps necessary to escape from this heinous addiction. He has to decide for himself. Blue-faced parents can't stop him. Threats of prison time, life on the streets, never having true friends (the pot pals disappear as soon as the pot is gone, no matter what he believes to the contrary) and never living within established society as a productive citizen won't stop him. Loss of the love of a girlfriend or wife won't even stop him.
Lots of hope and prayer, and maybe an intervention if he is straight enough long enough to understand what you are saying to him can work if he "gets it" and is man enough to admit it is sucking his life away.
The insidious thing is, the marijuana talks to him, too. It says things like, "Be cool, man; I'm your friend. I can't hurt you. You feel only peace and love with me. The old fogies just don't understand how cool I am, and how good I make you feel. They make you feel bad. Which one do you really want, bro? Pick me; I'll never let you down like they will."
If he listens to the weed above all the humans who love him, he won't be able to break his addiction, no matter how much you pay for residential treatment facilities. If, however, you can get him to listen to one person he admires and respects, along with all of his family who really do love him, you stand a fighting chance of getting him into care.
You can't do this alone. Cold turkey won't work. He has to change his patterns, friends, and places he hangs out after the intervention. There are no lasting quick fixes. No magic pills to make this go away. It's a long, hard road, and you all must travel it to make him well.
The good news is, it can be done.
If he's not willing to change, though, you have to STOP enabling him. You know what I mean. You are allowing him to do what he's doing by providing a safe haven for him. You have to stop the free lunch. You MUST kick him out of your home. No shelter. No money. No food. No "presents" of clothes, laundry soap, or even deodorant. He's an adult now in every state of the union if you live in the USA or Canada. Most other places he's been considered an adult even longer. Force him to act like one. He's welcome to come over to your home for Sunday dinner if he's straight. Let him know how very much you love him, but you can't allow him to destroy your family along with himself. If he has younger siblings, it's even more important you act immediately.
Sometimes, that alone is enough to wake them up. Their pot pals will only let them hang with them for so long before even they will expect him to pitch in on rent or food. Perhaps this is the rude awakening your son will need to realize he needs to make some changes in his life.
Some medical plans will pay for treatment if he is still covered as your dependent, though most stop at 18 if he is no longer in school.
Is he worth saving? I suspect the answer is yes. We are all worth whatever it takes to get out of the bondage of addiction, whether it be to drugs, alcohol, porn, or sitting at the computer or watching soap operas all day.
May you all have the strength is is going to take to help him now, because prolonging the inevitable only makes it worse.
