AboutJames Windell Expertise I am a parent trainer, psychotherapist, and author specializing in parenting issues.During the past 40 years I`ve worked with parents with discipline problems and challenging children. I give frequent lectures and workshops related to discipline, social skills, and aggressive children. I consult with various agencies and schools where there are child behavior problems. I am listed in the American Psychological Associations` media panel as an expert on parenting and am frequently quoted in leading magazines and newspapers.
Experience I have worked in a juvenile court as a clinical psychologist and as a psychotherapist in private practice. In the Oakland County (MI) Juvenile Court, I developed an award-winning parent training program for parents of adolescent delinquents. In addition I have done group therapy with adolescent delinquents using a social skills-building model. I have consulted with courts, schools, churches, preschools, and domestic violence shelters in areas of parenting.
I received my BA with a major in Psychology in 1963 from Wayne State University. I got my MA in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University in 1972.
I am a member of the American Psychological Association and the Michigan Psychological Association. I have written pamplets, newspaper articles, and professional journal articles. I have been the Coping With Kids columnist for the Oakland Press for 21 years, and my columns also appear weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been the author or co-author of 12 books. My books include, 8 WEEKS to A WELL-BEHAVED CHILD, CHILDREN WHO SAY NO WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SAY YES, and 6 STEPS TO AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT TEENAGER. My latest parenting book is THE FATHERSTYLE ADVANTAGE. I have appeared on over 175 radio and TV shows related to my books and parenting. For more information about me, my books and columns, go to my website at Jameswindell.com
Expert: James Windell Date: 6/28/2008 Subject: a jealous 12 year old
Question I have a 12 year old daughter, she has been very argumentive lately and she treats everyone like crap. I do write alot of it off as hormonal changes, because she has never been like that before. My problem right now is her jealousy. If she spend the nite with a friend and there is more than one girl, my daughter will call me and want to come home, because they are ignoring her and paying her no attention. I get upset with her and I do not go and get her, I just tell her to get over it.Am I wrong?
She was at my mothers house last week to spend some time with her and her cousin and she was upset that the cousin played with the dog and was not paying attention to her. Did I do this????did I not pay enough of attention to my daughter that she has become so jealous??? she is not jealous of material things that other kids have just more of attention and fitting in. I try to tell her that she leaves herself out, they are not leaving her out, she will get jealous and shut down. What do I do?
Answer Hello Charlene,
I'm sure it wasn't a lack of attention from you. So, I don't believe you caused this or did anything wrong.
I think your thoughts about this at the beginning of your email were more nearly correct. You can chalk this up to adolescence and the various kinds of changes going on in her life.
I think you can be sympathetic when she is jealous and feeling left out. Don't get upset with her, because she can't really help it.On the other hand, you don't have to go and pick her up when she wants to come home.
Here's what I'd suggest instead:
1. Before she goes to spend time with friends, tell her that you're concerned that she might feel left out again. Ask her what she can do so she doesn't feel left out or jealous. Encourage her to come up with one or two ideas. When she does come up with some ideas, give her support and encouragement ("Those are good ideas. Try them and see how they work and tell me about it when you come home"). If she can't seemingly come up with any ideas, suggest something really ridiculous ("Well, you could start crying and tell your friends that everyone is neglecting you and you're going to take your doll and go home"). She'll tell you this is stupid and then you can ask if she has a better idea (she probably will have!).
2. If she calls you, handle it the same way. You could say: "You know I think you could think of something you could do to make things better. Thing of something, try it out, and let me know how it worked out."
3. In general, put the problem back on her so she comes up with ways to deal with the problem.
Let me know what questions you have.
Best,
James Windell
