AboutKjirstin Expertise My own dysfunctional youth in an alcoholic family helped me decide to raise my children with love, acceptance, and honesty. It must have worked. We`ve got terrific kids. I don`t yet know if I can help others, but I`d like to try. Our world is so much better when we lift instead of crushing. Every child is worth more than any bank can hold. If I can help at all, it will be in teaching both parent and child of their own personal value to humanity, and how to punch through the noise of the moment to find their greater purpose. Together, we can all make a better world.
Expert: Kjirstin Date: 7/3/2008 Subject: 14 yr. old boy sneaks out to girls house
Question I have been raising children for 33 years. I raised my step daughter since she was 2,she is now 35,a caring nurse,getting married for the first time in December. Raised my oldest son until age 15 when he lost his three year battle to Leukemia, raised my now 24 year old son who was pretty well behaved as a teenager and has turned into a wonderful man. I found out I was pregnant with my now 14 year old son shortly before we lost our oldest son. In other words, I am no spring chicken in life experiences or in raising children. However, I feel a need to get another perspective on a very recent incident concerning our 14 year old son. He has always been very mature, dependable and trustworthy up to this point. He has been "liking" a girl he goes to school with more than the other girls he is friends with . He has a lot of friends, girls and boys, that are here at our home most days. I recently moved my office home so I can be here when all the kids are around and get to know them all. He has been having the girl he likes over more and more and understands our rules. They can play the wii in our guest room but door open, etc. Though I feel it's little young for the girlfriend boyfriend bit and have voiced this to him, I have allowed her to come over a few times and have met her parents and liked them. Well, last night we were awaken to the house alarm. He had sneaked out of our house while we were sleeping, rode his bicycle through our town to her house (quite a ways) and gone into in her home returning to our home at 3:00a.m. Of course we were horrified as to what could have happened to him at this time of night on the streets on a bike. And of course, that at this age....in her bedroom...! He claims "nothing happened" but since the trust has been broken, I am not able to trust it has not. I have taken away his cell phone and used this to call the girlfriend this morning to explain that Austin had been caught coming back in and I would like for her to tell her parents and to have them call me if they would like to discuss this situation. The mother called and was just as horrified as we are and we have decided to present a united front and ground both of them for a while. My concern is making this romance more desirable to them by not letting them see one another. He and she were both remorseful and both said nothing happened. I am beside myself. Please advise!
Answer Dear Carol-
I applaud everything you have done, and express sorrow over the loss of your son. I, too, lost a boy-to SIDS, so he was much younger-and I think the strength we gain through such an experience is valuable throughout our lives. It makes us better parents. We understand the value of life more intently, and want our children to make wise choices. We know wise choices lead to happiness, and that poor choices can quickly snowball into disaster.
You have done everything exactly right. A united front will help more than anything else, and since they both expressed remorse, it sounds as if they are well aware of right from wrong. Hopefully they will take the steps required to regain your trust.
As you know, 14 is a very difficult age for both sexes. Hormones are raging, and the brain isn't yet fully connected. A very little anthill can seem a mountain at 14, and problem solving skills are nonexistent.
Let me share something with you. When I was 14, I used to sneak out of my house at night. I had a boy I liked, and I would walk to his house. Sometimes I would tap on his window, and we would talk or listen to music. Other times, I would just sit in the dark and watch his house. I don't think we ever even kissed. Then I would sneak back home. I was never caught.
Thinking back on it now, I know how crazy that was, and that he was older, and things could have been disastrous. As an adult, I analyze my motives for doing something so insane, and must admit I was just really stupid! I had trouble sleeping at night, and I liked to roam. A few times, my father was drunk, and I couldn't stand being in the house. If I felt my mother and younger siblings were safe (because he was too drunk to strike them, and would soon pass out) I would leave just to feel the wind in my hair and breathe something besides the dank, depressing smell of exhaled alcohol.
Did your son perceive a threat to the girl where he may have felt compelled to rescue her? Ask him. He may have thought he was being chivalrous. Did she ask him to come, or was it his idea? I remember telling my 'boyfriend' (who was never really an official boyfriend at that age) all my secrets. He once confronted my father, and threatened him not to lay another hand on me. (My hero!) Of course nothing changed.
My point in telling you all this is that you only know one side to this story, and she may be just as culpable if not more-so, than your son. I was ahead of my time. Girls today are often the aggressors, so you need to protect your sons interests.
Since the film, Juno, came out, my mail has quadrupled from girls--young girls--ages 13 to 16 who WANT to become pregnant. Many of them were only sad they couldn't entice a young man to impregnate them! The recent cases in Gloucester point this out as well: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1815845,00.html
These girls are so needy and desperate for love, it is frightening on a huge scale. One girl I tried to advise was telling a young man she was on the pill-so he didn't need to worry-as she was actively timing her cycles to become pregnant. She didn't love him at all-he was just a necessary part of her plan to conceive.
Hopefully this is not Austin's young friends intent, and this is a simple case of puppy love, but you DO need to set down ground rules and insure they are followed.
Instead of grounding them forever, which, you're right, may lead only to their feeling justified in seeing one another on the sly, ask Austin how long he thinks he should be grounded. (He may be secretly hoping you WILL intervene, as he is not in control of the situation.) Explain everything without adding emotion-just matter-of-fact, so he will know actions he takes will have consequences. Ask him what he feels for this girl. The more you understand, the better you will be able to advise. I trust your judgement, and know he is in strong hands.
Tell him you are fine with having lots of kids over when you are home, and let him know that you will be available to help him while staying in the background (or another room) but that you can't permit one-on-one dating yet, as he is just too young, (My recommendation, if you don't already know, is groups of friends through age sixteen, double dating at 16-17, and no one-on-one until 18.) Since Austin has violated your trust. He will have to win it back.
Encourage hand holding, sitting together watching DVD's or playing wii. (Ann Landers old advice of keeping all four feet on the ground is also a good idea.) Physical contact in controlled situations can take the tension out of unwanted physical attraction he is not yet prepared to face. Having other kids around is fun without being dangerous.
Kids get mixed messages from media without the same moral values we wish to instill. Stand up for yours, and he will follow suit. He may have felt you approved of her parents, so he could move to the next level, though by sneaking out he showed he knows you would not have approved. The jig is up, as they used to say, and he must pay the piper.
Thanks for writing, Carol, and I hope things work out for all concerned.
