AboutKjirstin Expertise My own dysfunctional youth in an alcoholic family helped me decide to raise my children with love, acceptance, and honesty. It must have worked. We`ve got terrific kids. I don`t yet know if I can help others, but I`d like to try. Our world is so much better when we lift instead of crushing. Every child is worth more than any bank can hold. If I can help at all, it will be in teaching both parent and child of their own personal value to humanity, and how to punch through the noise of the moment to find their greater purpose. Together, we can all make a better world.
Expert: Kjirstin Date: 7/7/2008 Subject: 17 year old daughter
Question My daughter who is 17 comes from divorced parents, whom both remarried when she was 3 and remain married. We never had any type of confortations. Custody was every other weekend with father and holidays split. He never asked for extra time, ever!
Her childhood was good and happy. I was the "strict" parent who made her keep her grades up. Do chores and made her accountable for her actions. Her father was the laid back, never complained or expected much from her and he was the fun parent. Which only having her every other weekend and not speaking to her at all during the week, I think I could of been all fun/easy one all the time too!
To be short: My daughter wanted to move in with dad for three years and we did not allow it to happen. We both did not want our daughter to be able to switch houses like many divorced families do. UNTIL she was 16, she changed a lot! She got a boyfriend and went through "he's everything stage" (he is now out of the picture) She turned mean, lied and lost all of her friends. She just went into a dark place. She blamed everything on me.
We let her go to her dad's for three months. She came back and said "the grass was not greener". She was glad to be home for a few months. Ofcourse I had rules at my house. Which consisted of good grades(no more than two B's)(she is very smart and has the gift of studying something for 1/2 hour and getting a perfect paper) and do dishes at night and pick up after herself in the bathroom. And she must be respectful to the family.
I had rules and consequences in writing and I started to follow through. she did and we did go to counseling. She has CD and Depression (which runs in the family). She was on medicine and was happy when she took it. But she did not always take it and things continued to get worse than better. I tried to get her to take it, go to the counselor to talk and she just refused. The doctor does not need to see her until September to get refills and I don't think she will go.
The past 4 months have been terrible with her at my home. She's lied all the time. Was VERY mean to the family (which includes her 8 year old brother and 9 year old sister). She told her dad that she would start fights with me because she thought it was funny. (until I would no longer entertain her and changed my way of fighting. by ignoring her behavior and not take the things personally) then turned on to her siblings and started being very mean to them. She said that she will say and do anything to break me to call her dad and get him to take her. And she did!
I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I did not want to put my little ones through that. So,Last month I let her move into her dad's for good. Her father and I agreed. She can not come back to live with me until she is out of school, if she chooses to come back and we want her back.
My daughter and I were always close up until 16. I talked to her about everything a parent needed to and she told me things about school and things that her friends were doing. I tried to teach her not to judge anyone and not fall into gossip, and talk things out when she has issues with anyone. She listened to me, but using any advice I gave was up to her.
For a little over a month she has been at her dad's and has the "easy" life she wanted. Her father who swore she would not have a cellphone, got her one. She has a curfew later than I would ever give. Her grades were bad and SAT scores were poor and her dad just said "next year you will have to do better". She is settling for the community college after graduation. Before she wanted to go to a state school. I don't care where she goes. At this point I am glad she is going to college!!!
She does not want to see me or talk to me. She does not want to see her brother (who she was very close to at one time) Which is heartbreaking to me because her brother is very thoughtful and sensitive. He misses her even though she fought with everyone in the house. At first she said she would not see him because I would be there. Her sister called her and she was VERY short and rude to her.
I asked to go to dinner, go to a concert that her and I have gone to for the past 4 years together and I tried just to talk to her. Every time she talks down to me and is very short and rude to me.
I tried to talk to her and I asked what I did. The response was "you made my life hell" and "I hate that house". She could never give me any details as to WHAT I did that was so mean. (other than I made her match socks once and did not let her go to a boys house without a parent being there) Other than that she just blew off the question by saying "because, I don't know, I just don't want to"... During one conversation with her I told her to tell me what she wanted and she said she just wanted time. She said I called too much. (which was once for dinner to see her brother and another time for the concert) I did text her phone to tell her we got SAT papers, drivers permit papers for school and that is it for one month. I told her that she has been living with me for 17 years and that things just don't go away immediately as far as mail and appointments that I made her. ...She knew I was right and kept saying "I don't know", about 4 times. It was obvious she was not going to say anything else so we got off the phone. She was annoyed but was not angry. After we hung up she texted me saying: im not doing anything. leave me alone, dont text me don't call me. im not doing this crap all the freakin time. idc that they wanna see me. not now. im not ready to deal with you guys. just leave me alone for a change...........I just txt back "no, I'm your mother"......She then just txt that she would not answer my calls...I didn't say anything back
I know a lot of her behavior is typical teenager stuff. But I never thought she would flat out refuse to see or talk to me. Especially since she doesn't have any real reason other than she is mad that I had rules and structure and busted her on her lies.
Her father will encourage her to talk to me. She tells him no as well.....Before when she wanted to move out she said she would come home every other weekend like her dad's and now she won't. I honestly don't want her to come on weekends. (I don't trust her not to take anything or treat us badly) But I would like to have my turn of being the "fun" parent. Going to dinner and family outings is all I want. I told her to just let me be the fun one and she won't let that happen right now either.
So, now I don't know what to do. DO I let her go and not include her in our family activities? do I wait for her to come to me? (I don't know that she will for a long time)...She won't go to a counselor or doctor. She is 17 I can't force her and her father won't make her see me.
She is just being a spoiled brat just trying to show me that she has "power" and "control". She just doesn't realize yet that I gave that "power and control".
Answer Hello, Kay-
Crohn's Disease and Depression are not easy illnesses to have when you are this age, and yes, many of her issues are simply a result of her age and hormones, but a lot of her problems relate directly back to the divorce. Yes, she was only three years old, but that only means she can't even remember a life when she wasn't pulled from one home to another, living from one extreme to the next, over and over again. One weekend with one family, one set of rules, the next weekend with another. Even under the best of circumstances, with ideal parents, such a jerking back and forth of loyalties takes a toll on any child.
She loves both of you. She also hates both of you. The yin and yang of life pull at her constantly, and she is really hurting inside.
When she says, "I don't know" she is right. Life right now for her is one huge confusion.
If I were you, I would sit down and write her a letter-on paper-delivered by a postal carrier. Tell her in a few short paragraphs how much you love her, and are sorry you had to put her in this position. Tell her you know how difficult it must have been for her to go from one household to another every other weekend, and divide up her holidays. Tell her you had to make the right choice for YOU, and that she must now do the same thing for herself. Tell her you will respect her wishes, and stay out of her life if that is what she wants. You will email her or her father a monthly/weekly event calendar, showing all of your family activities which she is invited to attend. If she chooses, she can come, but it is entirely up to her.
You won't beg her to watch her brother's violin recital or attend her sister's birthday party. If it's something where you need to order a ticket for her, put on the calendar the "reserve by" date so you can have time to do it. If she hasn't called you, she doesn't want to go. Do not call her if she hasn't called you. She's asking for space; give it to her. If by some odd chance she decided to go to something but "forgot" to call until it was too late to get her a ticket; tough. She missed it. Give her the opportunity to grow up. Put it in her corner and she will HAVE to be adult about it.
If you and her father are on speaking terms, it might be a good idea to meet alone for coffee some time to discuss whether or not you think she needs more help. Lying and rudeness are not good things, but I doubt she needs to move into a teen care facility. If things get worse, she may need additional help, so prepare yourselves for it. She has some very real anger issues that must be addressed some day. She can't keep glossing over them forever. Medication is helpful, but problems also need to be faced.
