AboutBj Hickman Expertise I can answer questions and offer advice regarding relationships with parents and teenagers, including but not limited to cases involving drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, sexual abuse, and divorce. I enjoy teaching parents how to prepare themselves for their child becoming a teenager and assuaging their fears of those "dreaded teenage years". I want parents to know they can not only survive those years, but they can actually enjoy them!
Experience I am the mother of two grown children, 28 and 26. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. We have 29 years experience counseling parents and teenagers. We have learned some things along the way and often are asked to speak to groups on parent/teenager relationships. We also lead a seminar for teenagers on suicide awareness. However, what I feel makes me most qualified is our own children with whom we enjoy close and open relationships. Our kids are well-rounded, high functioning adults who are caring and are often sought out for advice from their friends and their friends' parents.
Expert: Bj Hickman Date: 7/7/2008 Subject: caught red handed
Question Hi, I'm 17. Last night, around 12a.m. I was ready for bed, when I heard noises coming from my parents' room. I quickly opened the door and turned on the light and caught them having sex. I understand that wives and husbands have a right to express their love for one another this way, and it is normal and natural, however, now whenever I am faced with my parents it is very hard to look them in the eyes, and I feel like a part of my innocence has been stolen. I'm afraid of sex, and don't like talking about it. I tried talking to them, but they told me to forget about it. How can I deal with this without feeling ashamed? What do I do around my parents? Thanks for your time.
P.S. I know I am making a big deal of this and it sounds stupid, but I honestly thought my parents were still Celibate after having me.
Answer This is a difficult one. You know, your parents are probably just as embarrassed about this incident as you are. However, I'm a little concerned that when you tried to talk to them about it, they refused.
There's not an easy answer to this. You know, intellectually, that your parents having sex is normal and healthy, but emotionally, you struggle with it. You need to find a way to marry your intellect to your emotional side of this issue.
Over some time, the embarrassment will dissipate, and as you grow and develop in your own relationships, and especially, once you marry and have a normal, happy sex life with your husband, you'll understand how your parents are feeling. My fear is that your inhibitions about sex will actually hinder your ability to see it as healthy and normal and good.
Give it a little time, then approach your parents again. It's their responsibility to help you get past this. Part of growing up includes these revelations that our parents are human. You can be grateful your parents still love one another, and that, as disturbing as it is to you, they have a healthy sexual relationship with one another. This is a vital part of a happy marriage, and it should be encouraging to you to have that example.
I know this is unsettling, but hopefully you can see that it's actually good it happened. It's not healthy to go through life in denial, and by your own admittance, you had a distorted view of your parents before. You have to accept them in a different way. It's up to you whether you choose to see that difference as good or bad. And it really is a good thing.
