AboutBj Hickman Expertise I can answer questions and offer advice regarding relationships with parents and teenagers, including but not limited to cases involving drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, sexual abuse, and divorce. I enjoy teaching parents how to prepare themselves for their child becoming a teenager and assuaging their fears of those "dreaded teenage years". I want parents to know they can not only survive those years, but they can actually enjoy them!
Experience I am the mother of two grown children, 28 and 26. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years. We have 29 years experience counseling parents and teenagers. We have learned some things along the way and often are asked to speak to groups on parent/teenager relationships. We also lead a seminar for teenagers on suicide awareness. However, what I feel makes me most qualified is our own children with whom we enjoy close and open relationships. Our kids are well-rounded, high functioning adults who are caring and are often sought out for advice from their friends and their friends' parents.
Expert: Bj Hickman Date: 7/3/2008 Subject: My friends never grow up
Question Hello.
I have 3 friends, they are all sisters, ages 17,16, and 10. There parents are together, they have an okay income, their father works at a bank, and their mother stays home for now. The problem is is that the girls never seem to grow up. The 10 year old, acts like she is 4, she can't watch TV in her room alone, when she gets upset she rocks back and first and makes moaning noises, she can't turn the light on it the bathroom (not because she can't reach it, but because she won't.) and she even can't get under the blankets by herself to go to bed, she needs her older sisters to put the fleece throw ons on top of her.Is there something wrong with this? My mom once suggested maybe a learning problem, or developmental problem. But I dunno.
The older girls though are a different story, we are all juniors in high school and we are leaving for college in two years. Both of the girls do well in school, but they don't do sports or anything. Which isn't bad, but they can't do anything they can't cook, (they aren't allowed to use their stove even is supervised), they don't know how to do something as simple as laundry, they don't know how to swim and their parents won't let me teach them, they can't do like anything with me.. it is so annoying. Their parents can never give me an answer right off if they can come over or something, they have to sleep on it at least a night and then maybe they have an answer. Is this wrong? How do I deal with these people? I get so frustrated with them, their kids and like living in a Neverland, they are even afraid to go and visit their grandparents for a week, because they will miss their mommy too much. Are these kids going to be okay? How are they going to live in college?
I have tried to talk to their mom, who seems to mostly be the source of the problem. She just doesn't want her kids to do anything, because she says they shouldn't have to as long as she is there. How do I get her to realize her kids aren't going to be fine? She won't even let them go outside to play in their yard by themselves, they live on a quiet backroad in VT, with an open yard, far enough away from the road.
How do I help these kids? Is there any points I can make to their parents about how what they are doing or not doing with their kids is wrong? Is there anyway I can show them what will happen to them (the kids) in the future if they continue like this? Is there something I can give to the parents to show them they are doing something wrong?
Doing anything with them is so hard, I just keep spinning my wheels trying to do things with them. Please tell me there is something I can do. I think, my one theory on why their mom acts like this is because she doesn't want the kids to grow up and leave her, but they have to, she is killing them.(killing them was an expression, she doesn't harm the children in any physical way)
Their parents when they were younger did all the things that the kids don't do and even more, the girls have no life, but their parents did everything.
What is wrong with these people?
Please help me and them.
-Sara, a very concerned friend.
Answer What a sweet friend you are for being so concerned for your friends, and for sticking with them when it appears to be so difficult to even hang out with them.
You asked me what's wrong with them, but you answered you own question. These parents are not prepared to let their kids grow up, and as you said, they're hurting their kids more than they're helping them.
Unfortunately, there really isn't anything you can do. People like this are very controlling people. Their need to control is at the root of all of this. They think they can protect their children from bad things, poor choices, and negative influences. What is likely to happen, instead, is their children will rebel as soon as they do get some freedom and run right to all the things their parents are trying to protect them from.
Part of being a parent (a very important part) is teaching our children how to be independent adults. If we never allow them the freedom to practice independence while they're growing up, we can seriously stunt their emotional growth. And then we send them away to college or out into the world as "adults" who are truly still children.
You have been a good friend to these girls, and I hope for their sakes, you'll be able to tolerate continuing to try to be their friend. You are probably such an inspiration to them. You're not going to say anything that will change their parents' minds. The only thing I can really suggest is maybe your parents could befriend their parents. Maybe if they came to trust your parents, your friends could begin to spend more time with you away from their own home, and they could begin to see what a normal family life is like. I mean, can you imagine how much they would enjoy a sleepover at your house, baking cookies and doing all the fun, perfectly normal things you do?
If not, you're just going to have to do the best you can to just spend whatever time they're allowed to spend with you. They need a good friend like you, and I'm proud of you for sticking by them through so much frustration.
By the way, based on what you've described, I would say the 10-year-old probably has some kind of learning disability. Possibly some form of autism.
Good luck to you. I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you here. It's a tough situation. I feel sad for your friends. They're in for a really rough time when they go away to school.
