Expert: Bj Hickman - 8/27/2008

Question
I am 18 years old. I have had my heart broken by several guys in my past and for about a year I was very depressed and stayed home sort of hiding from everyone else. I met my current boyfriend 6 months ago and we've been inseparable ever since. I love his family. He loves mine. We just love spending time together and both agree that sex isn't something to rush into (which is rare to find in a 19 year old guy!)

This is the first time I've been happy in a very long time, I used to cry myself to sleep at night and now I have a reason to smile, but my mom hates that I'm in a relationship with him. She doesn't like the fact that I've admitted to her that I love him, or the fact that we're always together. I do not have a happy family life and because his mother is so nurturing and so open to me I do spend the majority of my time at his house.

My mother has tried several different times to break us up. She has taken my car keys so I can't see him. Told me that I was "not allowed" out of the house. I have a 2:30 curfew and one night i came home at 10:30 and she flipped because it was a weekday (I've graduated high school so i no longer have school nights) and i was kicked out of my house for the night. She has apologized over and over again, but she just does the same thing the next week.

She is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend and I would love for her to stop but everytime I bring it up she brushes it off and tells me she's hurt that I would think that of her.

I'm starting my college courses in about a month, choosing to live at home rather than on campus. But I'm starting to regret my decision. I'm legally an adult, I work, and a pay my own bills. How do I get my mom to see that it is time to stop trying to control me.

PS: I'm currently in my room because my mother told me that today I have to stay home. Help me please.


Answer
Go first thing tomorrow and inquire about getting into student housing on campus.  If there's not any available, start shopping for an apartment near campus and, if necessary, advertise for a roommate.  

Your mom is not only being unfair, her behavior is very unhealthy.  She has no rights to make these kinds of decisions for you, certainly not to tell you when you can come and go.

I know a lot of parents believe that as long as you live in their home, they have full authority.  But that's not how it should be.  Especially given the fact that you are financially responsible for yourself already.  It's not right, and it's just her way of trying to maintain some control in her own life because it feels out of control to her, so she controls what she can...and right now, that's you.

Unfortunately, what she fails to realize is her parenting job is done.  She's raised you to adulthood, and her role now is to be your consultant when (if) you choose to seek her advice.  Other than that, she has no rights to how you choose to live your life.

So it's time for you to put a stop to this.  It's not fair but I think you're ready for it.  And you certainly have more maturity than your mother.  I don't understand a mom who doesn't want to see her daughter happy and healthy, and it sounds like you've paid a great price for your happiness.  You've earned it and you deserve it.

Move out.  Get settled in school.  Don't fight with your mom about it.  Be kind to her in the process.  And then when things have settled down a little, you can begin to try to develop an adult relationship with her.  Hopefully, she'll be willing and able to reciprocate.  

I wish you the very best.

Sincerely,
Bj Hickman