AboutBj Hickman Expertise I am an interventionist and a certified addictions specialist. I can answer questions and offer advice regarding relationships with parents and teenagers, including but not limited to cases involving drug or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, sexual abuse, and divorce. I enjoy teaching parents how to prepare themselves for their child becoming a teenager and assuaging their fears of those "dreaded teenage years". I want parents to know they can not only survive those years, but they can actually enjoy them!
Experience I am the mother of two grown children, 30 and 28. My husband and I have been married for 32 years. We have 31 years experience counseling parents and teenagers. We have learned some things along the way and often are asked to speak to groups on parent/teenager relationships. We also lead a seminar for teenagers on suicide awareness. However, what I feel makes me most qualified is our own children with whom we enjoy close and open relationships. Our kids are well-rounded, high functioning adults who are caring and are often sought out for advice from their friends and their friends' parents.
Question QUESTION: I have a 15 year old son. He will be 16 in three weeks. He has had a tough time at school. He started high school last year in grade 10 at a new school. He was skipping quite a bit. We decided to let him try online schooling. He only finished 1/2 of one course. This was the last semester. My husband and I have always had rules in our house. We have had curfews, my son has chores to do. He started working with my husband at the end of the school year in construction. He seemed to like carpentry and decided to go into the apprenticeship program. We thought t his was great - finally a passion. He is also a loner. He has A.D.D. as well. He beats himself up alot if he doesn't do something right the first time. I think this is why he had so much trouble in school. New school. He doesn't deal with change well. Then he came home and said he and his friend are going to apply for a warehouse job since there was more money. I tried to explain he will make a lot more money in the long run if he sticks to the apprenticeship program. Not to mention he is leaving his father high and dry and quit on the spot. We have always tried to teach responsibility but he things the world owes him. We probably catered to him too much. He was teased a lot when he was young since he had a bad temper. We brought him to a psychologist when he was 8 to teach him skills on how to handle his anger. It worked well. He has seen this psychologist off and on since then when there has been a problem. I keep trying to find options that will work for him but obviously I did a real disservice to him. I am almost at the point where I want to give him an ultimatum which I know is wrong. Can you give me some advice? I am just sick about this. To throw away his education because he doesn't like school is ridiculous.
ANSWER: Your son needs some extra help. He needs to continue to see the psychologist. And so do you and your husband. You don't have the coping skills to deal with his issues, and it's time to admit that and see someone who can help you. You seem to have just thrown your hands up in the air and yet you've not equipped your son to do any better than he has.
Good discipline and responsibility does not make a child a mature adult. Those are important things, but when you've got a kid who's struggling with severe anger at the age of 8, who's ADD and challenged at school both academically and socially, you have to take drastic measures to help him...not provide more chores and responsibility.
His brain is so full of racing thoughts, he wakes up every day completely overwhelmed. You add your own expectations to that, and he's over the edge. No wonder anger is an issue for him.
This kid needs extreme help. He needs a tutor, he probably needs medication, and he needs a therapist. You have the therapist but you don't utilize him often enough.
Online classes? Great, as long as someone is sitting beside him guiding him through the courses, keeping him on task, and motivating him to finish. Otherwise, there is no worse learning environment for an ADD kid.
He's 15. It's your responsibility to do whatever it takes to provide whatever he needs to be successful in life. Until you've done that, and he's reached adulthood, you don't get to give up. Fight for your son's future. I just hope it's not too late. My fear is he will not cooperate with you at this point because he's never had to before now.
Your letter is full of defeat. You are his mother. You have to be his champion...you have to fight for what's best for your son, and you sound like you're just resigned yourself to whatever he chooses.
You've got a tough road ahead of you, and I do truly wish you the best. Get some help for yourself...I think you would benefit greatly from therapy. You have taken on the role of codependent, and you are sabotaging your son's chances for success. A therapist can help you understand how you're doing that and get you on the right path. Then you'll better know how to help your son.
Good luck to you.
Sincerely,
Bj Hickman
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QUESTION: Thank you for your answer. I'm not sure where you got the idea we have "thrown our hands up in the air" He has been seeing a psychologist for almost 8 years. He is on medication as well for A.D.D. My reason for writing was desperation. I was upset and down. Perhaps it was a mistake writing. Please don't judge me. I have spoken with the psychologist today and reregistered him in school. We have an appt later this week. Hopefully he will go.There are consequences for his actions but we also try to do it in a logical manner so it makes sense. I have always given him choices as opposed to an ultimatum. That just doesn't work. We will keep trying and we will never give up on him. I thought you might have a suggestion. Thank you for your time.
ANSWER: I'm sorry you perceived my answer to be judgmental. It really wasn't meant to be. You used a lot of defeated and codependent terminology like "we probably catered to him too much" and "I did a real disservice to him". You talked a lot about chores and responsibility. You said nothing about your personal relationship with him.
I obviously assumed too much, which is easy to do when we're reading questions. People give limited information, and we have to fill in the blanks with our own experience and discernment to know what you're leaving out. Sometimes we miss the mark, and I'm sorry that happened here.
You said he has continued to see the therapist "off and on...when there has been a problem". So my suggestions were meant to help you know how to equip him BEFORE there's a problem. Based on what you have told me, you appear to approach this from a reactionary place rather than a preventive one. My suggestions were meant to change your direction.
You are absolutely correct that you cannot give a 15-year-old an ultimatum. And you're frustrated by the fact that your alternative approach hasn't been effective. In your situation, I can't counsel you to success...that's not what this site is for. But I can point you toward the help you need, and I stand by my recommendation that you would benefit from counseling yourself. Not because you're a bad mother or a bad person...you are obviously just the opposite or you wouldn't even bother. I suggest it only because you are desperate and frustrated and nothing you have tried is working, and you need a fresh clear perspective on a continuing basis from someone who can guide you down a different path that might enable you to come to better solutions for your son.
There are no easy answers here, and as you have asked me not to judge you, I will, with much humility, ask you to please not judge me for not being able to give you a magic formula to fix your son. This is a family issue that's been years in the making, and the solution needs to involve all of you...not just your son.
I do wish you the best.
Sincerely,
Bj Hickman
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QUESTION: Thank you so much for the quick reply to my email. I know you don't know us. I'm sorry if I was defensive. My husband and I have been in family coucilling as well. We only want the best for him. He doesn't have many responsibilities we pile on him. I think part of the problem is that he only started medicationf or A.D.D. last year. It should have been long before that. That being said he had great teachers in elementary and jr. high. I will never give up on him no matter what. He has agreed to play soccer again. I made sure it was up to him. He is really good at it and am glad he agreed to to something that will help with his self confidence. I really hope he will agree to go back to school. He is 16 in three weeks. I am hoping if he can go back for that time period he will stay. He can't drop out until he is 16. We will deal with that bridge when we cross it. He does have a great psychologist but doesn't want to go. He is not into drugs or alcohol. He just seems like a lost soul. I really appreciate the feedback you gave me. I will let you know how it goes.
Answer Oh the soccer is an excellent idea. Not only for his self-confidence but there are new studies out that verify what we have believed for a long time - that exercise can actually alter the brain's chemistry, releasing more seratonin and endorphins and actually altering the number of dopamine receptors. These are chemicals that affect ADD and depression, and it could make a considerable difference in your son's outlook.
I truly hope you'll follow up with me. Hopefully having something he's enjoying will promote his motivation to stick with school.
Keep doing what you're doing. You're on the right path. He's just at a difficult empasse, and if you can just get over the hump, things will probably be much better.
