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About James Windell
Expertise
I am a parent trainer, psychotherapist, and author specializing in parenting issues.During the past 40 years I`ve worked with parents with discipline problems and challenging children. I give frequent lectures and workshops related to discipline, social skills, and aggressive children. I consult with various agencies and schools where there are child behavior problems. I am listed in the American Psychological Associations` media panel as an expert on parenting and am frequently quoted in leading magazines and newspapers.

Experience
I have worked in a juvenile court as a clinical psychologist and as a psychotherapist in private practice. In the Oakland County (MI) Juvenile Court, I developed an award-winning parent training program for parents of adolescent delinquents. In addition I have done group therapy with adolescent delinquents using a social skills-building model. I have consulted with courts, schools, churches, preschools, and domestic violence shelters in areas of parenting.

I received my BA with a major in Psychology in 1963 from Wayne State University. I got my MA in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University in 1972.

I am a member of the American Psychological Association and the Michigan Psychological Association. I have written pamplets, newspaper articles, and professional journal articles. I have been the Coping With Kids columnist for the Oakland Press for 21 years, and my columns also appear weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been the author or co-author of 12 books. My books include, 8 WEEKS to A WELL-BEHAVED CHILD, CHILDREN WHO SAY NO WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SAY YES, and 6 STEPS TO AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT TEENAGER. My latest parenting book is THE FATHERSTYLE ADVANTAGE. I have appeared on over 175 radio and TV shows related to my books and parenting. For more information about me, my books and columns, go to my website at Jameswindell.com

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Parenting --Teens - 12yr old

Expert: James Windell - 11/1/2009

Question
QUESTION: My wife and I are currently having trouble with our 12yr old daughter. Well she is my step daughter. She is having problems turning in her homework and discipline doesn't seem to help or phase her what so ever. She is spoiled rotten. Her and I have had issues like most step dad/daughters do. This has been an ongoing thing over the last 2 to 3 years. We have tried everything and nothing seems to work. Took stuff away that was important to her, grounded her, you name it. We are at a loss right now. She won't turn in her homework all the time, and now we are trying to make her do it and turn it in even if it is late and she won't get any points for doing it. Can you please help if you can? It would be very much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
State is Missouri. Her hobbies include, drawing, listening to music, typical 12 yr old stuff, I guess. Playing softball and soccer. We haven't talked to her doctor. She does see her biological father. He's not the best of person in regarding her and her brother for that matter. He will send them to their grandparents hous quite often, when it's his weekend or whatever. It was somewhat of a bad divorce. Just mainly cause I was in the picture. Happened roughly 5yrs ago. At first she like me just fine and still does on average. I may have just been to pushy with her, in some sense thinking or trying to be her full on dad, instead of more like a friend, someone she could come to to talk or help her, when her mom or her dad was mad at her. Her dad also talks a lot, meaning about me and her mom and how we met, always saying bad things about me or whatever.

ANSWER: Hello Fred,
You are probably right about being too pushy with her. My advice to most stepparents is to work on being a friend and forget about taking the place of a parent. However, that has nothing to do with her not turning in her work at school.
There are usually about four basic reasons for not turning her work in: 1. She doesn't complete it; 2. She does not feel good about her homework, even if it is completed; 3. She forgets to turn it in; 4. She is disorganized and loses her work or misplaces it.
You and her mother should try to figure out which one (or more# of these basic reasons apply. The best way of doing this is through observation and asking straightforward questions.
First, observe whether she completes her work at home. Second, ask if you can check it to make sure it is done correctly. Third, find out where the homework goes after she completes it. Does she leave in her bedroom, put it in a messy, disorganized notebook, or throw it carelessly in her backpack? Fourth, ask her and her teacher what happens at school when it's time to turn in assignments. Does she frantically look for it? Is she busy talking and is not even aware she's supposed to be turning something in? Or does she say she didn't do it?
Once you get answers to all these questions, you and her mother should be able to form some hypotheses as to why the work is not being turned in. Once you have a theory, then check it out with her #"We noticed that you always get your homework done at home, and when we checked it we saw you had everything right, so we're wondering what happened when you got to school? Can you tell us what happened when the teacher asked you to turn in your homework?").
When you have confirmation -- more or less -- from her, then talk with her about the reasons why you think she doesn't get her assignments turned in and then discuss with her what she is going to do about it ("It seems like you agree with us, that you usually don't feel like your work is good enough to turn in, so you manage to avoid turning it in. What do you think you can do about this?"). Get her to come up with a plan, although you may have to make some (not ALL!) suggestions to help her.
When you get this far and if you feel stuck, then get back to me. Anyway, let me know what you learn and if you and she can develop a plan.
Best,
James Windell

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: She does all the of the above. She is very disorganized and all of that. She has been in trouble for talking to much during class. We have done exactly what you have just talked about and discussed it with her teachers as well, to find out what is going on in their eyes as well. We have talked to her and showed her her grades and why they are not at the potential that they should be. When she does turn in her homework, is it usually a's and b's. We have checked over it and are currently working on getting her a little more organized. I was thinking that she was having problems due to stress and her dad saying that I was a bad person or whatever. Adding to her stress and adding depression or something of the sort to her problems making them even worse. Just a thought.

ANSWER: Hello Fred,
At her age, stress may come from physical changes related to adolescence, peer relationships, self-esteem issues -- and family factors.
If she shares with you that her father is saying negative things about you, that could be confusing to her. Also, it could intensify feelings related to normal adolescent changes. If she is talking enough with both you and your wife, then you may get a better sense as to what's going on. What does she spontaneously talk about? Does she complain about other girls at school? Is she interested in boys? Does she feel like she doesn't fit in at school?
Since you indicate that she is disorganized, does she try to become more organized? Will she let you (you and her mother) help her organize her work and her assignments? Does she seem to want to make things better?
You could take her to see a psychologist to get a psychological assessment. That could help to determine what was really bothering her and interfering with her work at school.
What do you think?
James

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: James,
She does talk about other girls at school, with an attitude I might add, and also about boys. She fits in really well at school haven't heard her complain about that. We have tried to get her to be more organized with her school work and everything in general, but she just takes our suggestions for about a week then everything is back to the norm. She really don't care if it is better or not, doesn't seem to phase her. Regardless of what we do and what disiplinary actions we might try. I have been talking with the wife to see if that is something that she would consider doing to find out what is going on with her and how we can help to make some better changes with a more positive outcome. She talks to us but not as much as I would like to see. But I understand to a point why she don't confide in me. Mostly our past as I have stated before. Trying to be more her dad than a friend, but I am working on that to help that situation out. Thanks for everything thus far James. It is very much appreciated.
Archie

Answer
Hi Archie,
You're welcome.
She may be a girl that you and your wife may have to monitor regularly (weekly!# when it comes to her school work and organization. I'm guessing that she's caught up in all the social things #both good and bad) at school and this has taken on a greater priority than school work. But this is very typical for this age.
Best,
James

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