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You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Parenting of Adolescents > Parenting --Teens > Family Rules
Expert: Evelyn Petersen - 11/3/2009
Question
Hi Evelyn..............My daughter who will be 20 this month, lives at home and attends a community college full time. She has her own room. Allie is very head strong and independent and rarely asks us for help. Her mom is giving her a problem about keeping her room clean. Mom doesn't like the way it looks and can't understand why Allie would want to live in a room with clothes and crap all over the place. My stand is that it's Allies room and as long as there's no leftover food with plates and glasses etc., she should be able to keep her room the way she wants. Allie has her boyfriend over from time to time and when they are in her room, they keep the door open and just sit on the bed and watch TV. One day Mom came home and found them under the covers watching a movie. Mom starts yelling saying that's it, no more Rob in the room , etc. I said she should have taken Allie aside and explained to her that "under the covers" is a no no in our house because it makes us uncomfortable. If that behavior happens again, then the boyfriend is banned from the room. My question to you is, who handled this the correct way? What would be your advice for rules of the house for an almost 20 year old?
Answer
Dear Jim,
You are absolutely right in the way you say you would have handled this. First the room. Our oldest daughter went through a period of a totally messy room. My rules were that she had to clean it up herself whatever or whenever that was done. NO food or drinks could be in the room...obviously so that pests would not start living in there and migrate to the rest of the house. I also insisted on the her keeping the door closed so I did not have to see the mess. After a few weeks ...or maybe 4, she actually got sick of it and cleaned it up and kept it clean.
Now the guest. You might mention casually that a neat room makes a more welcoming setting than a messy one...whatever. But the door should stay open, yes, and I think your rules are simple and fair. It is your house and you need to feel comfortable in your own house. If I had come upon the two of them under the covers, I would have simply asked that they don't go under the covers, as it makes me makes me uncomfortable and I want to be comfortable in my own home. Then I would lighten the situation, by smiling and saying the rule is "feet stay on the floor please."
Tell your wife that it is far better to never overreact in these situations, and remember that your daughter is 20 and causes no other problems. Also mention that it is not only wise but is good modeling to be respectful of your daughter in front of her guests, and also to be mature and respectful of any guest. It would be lots better that they hug and fondle at your home than in some car or lonely lovers lane. I would also invite her guest to dinner sometimes and also play some family games or cards together. This is a way to really get to know the guest/boyfriend and let him get to know you and your family values. Evelyn askevelyn.com
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