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You are here: Experts > Parenting/Family > Parenting of Adolescents > Parenting --Teens > hitting
Expert: Evelyn Petersen - 11/2/2009
Question
My daughter is 18 and a very good girl. She is a bit spoiled but very sweet. Lately she has become disrespectful and hurtful in things she says. She has spewed out very mean comments, but reserves them mostly for me and her younger brother. Last night she threw the computer mouse at the wall breaking it and swearing at my youngest son who was asking for his turn on the computer. When I told her she was not to throw things she started swearing at me calling me vicious names. I lost my temper and said mean things back (no swearing) and hit her a number of times. I feel sick to my stomach and don't know how to repair the damage I've done. I told her I as sorry, but she just said "U have mental issues.Get help." and hasn't spoken to me since. Any advise since I can't turn back time and behave differently? PS.I have never hit before.
Answer
Dear Marcia
You say this is recent behavior...that it has only been "lately" that she acted this way...
A change in the behavior of any child at any age is a red flag that something is not right. Are there any changes going on in her life that may have caused a change? What aobut new "friends"? Do you invite her friends over frequently so you can see who they are and what thety are like..? DO this asap if you have not done this. Take her and her friends to an event...anything that will let you see what her friends are like. It may be that new friends are causing her to change..you need to know more.
Also have a meeting with her to talk about this issue...not when you or she are angry or confrontive, but say, after supper or at some causual time. Tell her it is very important that she knows how you feel...and tell her EXACTLY how her new behavior makes you feel...confused, surprised, disappointed, sick inside, sad, ALL of it. Tell her you need to make some limist and boundaries and simple rules so that you can all live togther more peacefully without hurting each other.
Let her help make some rules..a list...and also make a list of rewards for good or improved behavior and a list of consequences for bad behavior. Tell her this is the adult and nmature way of problem solving and that she is old enough to do this with you...Try out the rules and the rewards or consequences and then have another meeting to modify you contract as needed. PRIASE her for any improvement in her behavior. do not get drwan in to an argument...if she is misbehaving and spewing out bad words...LEAVE the area...And say you will talk with her and listen to her when she can regain control and act more like an adult. Your son also should leave and not engage in these hurtful confrontations...tell him to do so. Evelyn
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