Expert: Bj Hickman - 3/16/2009

Question
I am divorced with three young children (ages 9, 7, 4).  I have lived in Maryland for their whole lives and although their father and I have not lived together for nearly four years, he is close by and keeps them involved in sports.  The only time he really sees them is when he picks them up for their practices and sporting events three times a week.  There is no every other weekend arrangement although, there was one in the beginning.  He has tapered off and resumed a life as a single man.  If I ask him to keep the kids so I can do something, he'll do it if he has not previous plans (he never alters his plans for them, however).  My parents live in Georgia and have always been very supportive to me.  They have asked me to move there for a couple of years and I've resisted because I didn't want to give up my independence and I didn't know what effect it would have on my children to take them away from their father (no matter how inconsistent his presence is -- he is very consistent in paying his child support, though).  My question is, what can I expect in the way of dealing with their feelings?  My oldest is a boy and makes comments about how his father is mean (he's really stern), but I see him having good interactions with him as well.  My daughter (age 7) doesn't express a lot of feelings about him, but she's the only girl and I know that her dad sees her as a princess.  And the baby (a boy) gets so excited whenever his dad comes around.  He's the only one who's never really known what it's like to have a father living at home.  He'll often ask to go with him and up until recently whenever we'd come across another man at a store or wherever, my son would ask, 'is that my daddy?'  It's very difficult for me to make it in this area, financially.  I could go down to Georgia and get a fresh start.  I feel that I never had that opportunity since my ex is the one who left and told me 'I've moved on.'  I want to move on now, but I don't want my children to suffer.  I want the transition to be as smooth as possible.  How can I ensure that?

Answer
The most important thing a parent can do for her child is give the child a voice.  Obviously, your four year old is not going to be able to articulate how he feels about this, but you'll be surprised at how clearly a 7 year old and 9 year old can communicate how they feel about their lives and the people in them.  Sit down with your older two, preferably without the distraction of your youngest, and talk to them about this.  Explain it to them as though they're older...kids understand a lot more of what we say than we think they do, and if they don't, they'll tell us by asking questions!  Ask them frequently, "Do you understand what I mean by that?" and make sure they're getting it.

Basically, you tell them Gramma and Grampa would like you to come live near them.  Talk about the benefits for them if you make this move.  Are there cousins they know that would be nearby?  Don't focus on the financial support aspect of it, but it's okay to say, "You know when you wanted to do ______ and I had to say no because we didn't have the money?  Well, if we move there, we'd get to do those kinds of things sometimes."

Then address their dad.  "The only bad thing is you won't get to see your dad as often as you do now."  Then sit back and wait for their response.  This will tell you how much influence he has over them.

Even if they melt down at the thought, it doesn't mean you shouldn't go.  It just means you might need to take it a little slowly and ease the kids into the idea over time.  

Children need both parents, no doubt.  But sometimes we have to take drastic measures to provide for our families.  And in this economy, even more so.  Even if they're upset about it in the beginning, at their ages they will adjust fairly quickly.  The 9 year old will be the most affected, and so you'll just want to focus more on checking in with him often to make sure he's adjusting okay.  

If kids feel free to express their fears and anxieties without being minimized or criticized, they usually can adapt to pretty much anything.  

I commend you for being so concerned for their emotional response to this.  I personally think, based on the information you've given me, the move will be the best thing for all of you.  As they get older, being near their father will actually be a detriment to them.  At least if they're in another state, his emotional absence can be perceived as a geographical distance instead of a psychological one.  When they're mature enough to deal with his emotional detachment, they'll be further removed from him and it won't hurt as much.

I wish you the best.

Sincerely,
Bj Hickman