AboutKjirstin Expertise My own dysfunctional youth in an alcoholic family helped me decide to raise my children with love, acceptance, and honesty. It must have worked. We`ve got terrific kids. Those I've answered on this site usually feel I've been helpful in their unique situations. Our world is so much better when we lift instead of crushing. Every child is worth more than any bank can hold. If I can help at all, it will be in teaching both parent and child of their own personal value to humanity, and how to punch through the noise of the moment to find their greater purpose. Together, we can all make a better world.
My situation is complex and I am sorry if it sounds rambling. I will outline in below and since writing it, I wrote my sons a letter explaining that there would have to be changes in their behaviour or there would be huge removal of priviliges, lifts, pocket money and holidays. My son apologized to my partner and they shook hands. I then took them back to their Dads home as they wished to spend the day there (close by). We were talking and the conversation turned to the fact that the Court has finally stamped our divorce settlement which included transferring the former matrimonial home and the boys's home to me. This act was of my husbands suggestion and only taken by me as on discussing it previously with my sons, they hadnt seemed too bothered. Yesterday when I touched on the subject one of them became very upset. Consequently we had a lot of hugs and I reassured them that I was lucky enough to be able to hold onto the property to rent out for income and that one day it may well be theirs. However, I would not be able to allow them to live there as their father must move out by 31 August. After this and one of them in particular feeling much better I drove them to their favourite skate park and things were good. They stayed the night here last night and went to camp for four days today in good spirits. I have laid down some firm guidelines and hope this helps. Have you any further advice.
Here comes the main story to date. sorry!
4 years ago my father died and this tragic loss which came without any warning acted as a catalyst in my leaving my husband. He had become deep in tax evasion, was drinking heavily, gambling and being more and more verbally and physically abusive to me. His activities were more and more dishonest, but when I demanded change he refused to do this. On announcing divorce, he told me “You can go, but I will never leave our home”. I had been the main caregiver to our then 9 yr old twin boys born using donor sperm by IVF as he was azospermia. I begged him to reconsider and for 8 weeks he threw himself around on the floor in despair begging me to stay, begging for forgiveness and crying and threatening to kill himself. In all he struggled with coming to come to terms with a divorce. He was not a domesticated man and despite the fact that for the boys sake it would have been better for me to remain with them in their home, he refused to leave. I did not have the strength then to take him on and consequently felt that it was better for me to move out. From the moment I announced the divorce,he set on a quest to make my life hell.He told the boys that it was "mummy's divorce" and that "mummy is destroying this family".He discussed financial and legal matters with them the whole way through the acrimonious ensuing divorce process making my fair rights to division of our joint assets after 20 yrs together appear to the boys as utter greed, undermining every attempt I made to seek some kind of shared residency of the boys and telling them "they didn't have to go with me if they didn't want to" and for the past four years they have been based with him, living in our old home on pizza, take aways, calling the shots, pleading for new gadgets and gizmos and always demanding more. They swear at his face, ridicule him and refuse to do as they are told. They have tried to play us off against each other and when, I have tried to discipline them when they came to me, they would call him and he would come and collect them reinforcing his message that if I really cared for them I would come back to him and that mothers that care “don’t leave their families”. He has bullied and manipulated me and used our boys as the weapon in trying to get me back and failed. I have no family to speak of that can help and have had to put up with him spreading malicious rumours locally that I don't care and that I am a selfish and greedy woman. I am now in a relationship with a good man who is divorced and (20 yrs older) who has young children of his own who live part time with us and part time with their mother. I have a great relationship with them and their mother and a wonderful relationship with my new partner . My ex husband is vitriolic with jealousy and rage that I have this new life and a really great guy to share my life who loves me and looks after me. He has set the boys up to hate and detest my new partner (who would have made a wonderful role model to the boys if they would give him a chance). He has drip fed them negative feelings about coming to stay with us, but all the while, he drinks more, runs me down to them and although me and my boys have had some very difficult spells, recently things between us had improved enormously. In short, they have started to see for themselves that I am Not the person their father dresses me up to be. Having said that, my ex husband regularly claims how much he loves me and what a wonderful mother I am and how he would have me back tomorrow, so the boys are very confused. My partner suffered a heart attack some 8 weeks back and was in hospital recovering when the boys rang and asked if I would come and collect them and bring them back here. I was shocked but delighted by this sudden "turn" in events. Their father was astounded but, being fraught with two very difficult boys, quite relieved despite all the work he had put in turning them against coming here. They came and it went very well. I found them a pleasure to have around and things went well. Friends came and went, their friends all remarking on what a great place their mum lived with woods and barns and it kind of dawned on them that this could be good. However, deep resentment of my partner, who was in the army for 35 years has been sown by their father. He has clearly told them they should ignore him and need not even acknowledge him and to start with, due to the delicacy of the situation, my partner was very good at acting like a curtain and keeping out of the picture. However, this is his house, he is paying all the bills and for the food and petrol and as he is by nature a disciplinarian, he finds my son’s surly, disrespectful attitudes very hard to take. He has been used to training soldiers and I have to say his own children have an enormous amount of respect for him as he is a loving but firm father, accepting no nonsense. On their recent visit they were disrespectful to me making a demand and he couldn't help himself from pulling up one of them and saying that the word “please” would be necessary in his sentence. My son was clearly shocked but added the thank you and things moved on. Anyway, they left after the last stay and I thought they after a couple of incidents, they would not return. They are fine with me alone if I am providing either lifts to skate parks, spending money, holidays or things they want, but there is no reciprocation. Anyway, their father said he was going away and they came back again. I was delighted but it very quickly went down hill when one son walked into the room where my partner and I were chatting, interrupted and when my partner said "hello" and asked my son why he found it hard to acknowledge him, my son told him "to f..k off" and told my partner "what's your problem" to which my partner told him, that his attitude was his problem. I became involved and told my son to say hello, but he left quickly and cycled back to his home where he remained for the rest of the day. The other son, slunk around our house moping that he was bored and in a way that he has sadly developed more and more, made me feel very uncomfortable. This is all after a lovely day yesterday when I told them both mackerel fishing on the coast and had a picnic and a lot of fun. Eventually he left by bike too and they were both at their Dad's house, their Dad was away and when they called later on by phone, I explained how disappointed I was and they weren't interested. I took supper over and explained again to Richard that I wanted an apology and some proper behaviour from him or there would be penalties but he doesn’t care a jot saying he will just stay with his Dad then. I know that this is just what his Dad wants and that it will earn him huge points with his father and I also know that my son's telling my partner to "f... off" will have been as a direct result of my ex husbands advice to him. I feel I need to address this once and for all and that allowing this kind of dysfunctional behaviour is not going to help my boys. I have been through a lot but have regained my confidence and although I can talk very openly with my sons about how they feel and how I feel and acknowledge that they are at the age when its all about them and have been through some very rough times, allowing them to get away with this kind of behaviour is not going to do them any good. So tomorrow, I am going to draw some pretty drastic lines in the sand.
Answer Hello, Franceska,
Yes, you have now won the prize for the longest, most rambling letter ever written to me! Hurrah!
Now I will try to sort it out for you. Hemmm hemmm.
Your new partner will never be able to discipline your boys. They are not his, and thus will never command the place of a father, even if your ex were to die. This is simple fact, and human nature, so you both need to understand that up front. That said, he can, should, and must demand respect from them. They need to know in no uncertain terms that they are not to tell another human being, particularly one who is feeding and sheltering them, to f-off.
You were right to leave your husband, and his present behavior proves it. Unfortunately, your sons will always see him as their father, and no matter how wrong or illegal his actions, they will find themselves siding with him.
You are actually very blessed that they have each other, and are twins. Twins have a special bond that can keep them each afloat. Trust me, they know their father is a drunken fool, and the older they become, the more they will be able to see through his lies. Let him paint you as bad as he likes. Rise above it. They will see the truth.
One thing you can do is to nurture your relationship with your new partner. Hopefully, now that the divorce is final, you can make plans to marry him. Stability is so important to boys of their age. If they see a solid, loving relationship, they will feel stronger no matter what they may say on the outside. Seeing also that there is no chance of a reconciliation with their Dad will help them to face the fact that the home they once knew will never return. They will have to decide if they want to live in a strong, happy, stable home with Mum and step-dad, or a lonely, boozy, angry home with Dad.
If you work mainly on your relationship, you will be happy, and your sons will feel it. They will want to connect with it. Our spirits naturally gravitate toward the light. We all seek it.
Divorce upsets children. That's the way it is, and dancing cartwheels will not change it. The best you can do is be happy together. Now that the house issue is settled, you can start making your new home with your partner the best place to be for them. They will come around.
It's hard, but try to let the boys vent their anger safely with you. They have LOTS of anger issues now, and they will manifest themselves in a variety of ways. Set your perimeters on what you will and won't tolerate, and move on from that point.
It might even help to write down your own set of house rules. Expect them to be followed, and they will do it. It's amazing what a firm hand of direction in this regard will create.
Have your sons had any kind of counseling? They may benefit from a few hours of therapy.
I'm very glad to hear your new partner has a military background. It will take that sort of discipline of oneself to, for example, avoid smacking them in the mouth when they drop the f-bomb. That wouldn't do anybody any good.
You've no doubt heard the phrase, "The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother." Though their own father made some wrong choices and failed, your new partner/future husband can set this example. It's not too late to have a happy future.
Set firm rules about your expectations, and be sure to provide benefits.
Live in the present; the past is gone. Don't quiz them about what their father said about you. It doesn't matter. It was in the past, even if it was just an hour ago. The only important thing is what is happening right now.
Best to you, Franceska, and may you all survive their teen years. Remember: open, honest, loving. You can't go wrong.
