Expert: Evelyn Petersen - 8/31/2009

Question
Hello Evelyn:

I have a 17 year old step daughter.  Her mother and I have been together for 2 1/2 years and have been living together for two years now.  Before we moved in together my step daughter was excited about it because she said that she like me and thought I was a good guy and even better than her father.  And also because she would have her own bed room and more space to herself.  The first two to three weeks were great...we got along and talked.  After that period her attitude changed like a snap of the fingers.  She does not speak to me, she asks questions to me through her mother and once in a blue moon she will approach me directly.  In the past I have approached her to ask her a question and have even tried to engage her in discussions and family oriented activities (board games - which she always decline and outings to a shopping village somewhere in Bucks County or just the three of us for a drive in the car).  Her mother and I always take her with us to go to places with the exception of three occasions because they were not for children (two romantic dinners and a wine and cheese dinner).  Each time we have explained to her in advanced that her mother and I will be going out alone because of wanting to have some time to ourselves and each time she has been upset with her mother (not me) because she is not spending time with her.

Her parents were divorced at the age of two and she stills sees her father and speaks to him on a regular basis and they still do stuff together.  Before moving in and during periods of the three of us living together I have told my step daughter that I want to be a friend and will always be here for her.  I have shown her respect and love during the last two years.

This past weekend her attitude topped the cake.  She and her father were going to the shore and she wanted her mother and me to go to the shore also but we were going to go in separate cars and were going to be on separate parts of the beach.  My wife told her that she was tired and didn't want to go especially so late in the day.  My step daughter responded "But I want you to be happy and to relax and this weather won’t last much longer."  My wife asked me and I responded to my wife that we had plans that day and we needed to do laundry and by the time we got back it would be late and I need to get up for work the next morning.  She went back and explained this to her and the daughter got upset.  My wife came back to me and said if we do the laundry now we can get going by 3:00 (at this time it was 12:45).  This got me upset because that meant we had to break our plans and rush to get everything done and get the stuff that we needed.  When my wife and I got in the car to go to these places, I asked her why her daughter has had this attitude and why she cannot accept the answer that she gave.  I also told her that her daughter is controlling what she does and that she is the parent and she should have the last word and the daughter is not respecting her wishes and manipulating her.  After doing "part" of our running around we got home and at this point I was very upset with the attitude that my step daughter.  My step daughter asked my wife why I was upset because I scared her with my rough behavior of getting coins for the washer and dryer and slamming of the doors.  At this point my wife explained to her that I was upset with her attitude because we made plans for the day and we had to break them because she was forcing my wife to do something that she didn't want to do.  She also went on to explain to her that she cannot make someone happy by imposing what she thinks would make them happy and it is disrespectful.  

Another thing that happened was when we were talking about the timing of everything I made a counter offer to my wife (not directed to my step daughter) and my step daughter responded in Russian “We don’t have time” (my wife and step daughter speak Russian).  When she responded in Russian I snapped and said "What did you say?  Why can't you respond in English, you know I can't speak Russian!"  At this point my wife responded for her.  After we got home she also explained to my step daughter that it is disrespectful to answer in such a way because I do not understand Russian.

This is not the only thing happened.  Through the last two years my step daughter has been upset with my wife because of the relationship that we have.  Ever since my step daughter was young she has always slept with her mother because of the sleeping arrangements (living with grandparents and parents...not having a room of there own).  After we moved in together my step daughter was constantly interrupting us while trying to get to sleep (constantly asking her questions banging on the walls).  

Over the weekend she told her mother that she feels un-needed and cannot wait to graduate and move into a dorm while at college.  My step daughter says the reason behind these feelings is because her mother has me, her grandparents have each other and her father has his wife.

She also told her mother that I (Mike) am a stranger to her.  This comment I am confused about and it actually hurts me.  Over the last two years I have been respectful and caring for her and her mother and have done nothing to provoke these feelings.  I have offered help in various areas, given her rides to school and picked her up from school while even sacrificing time from my job to pick her up.  I have also out poured my heart to her letting her know that I do care for her and am always here to help.  I have provided her shelter, gave her a cell phone (iPhone that she always wanted), internet access, television, driving lessons, have dropped her off and picked her up for ballet lessons.  I have basically been like a father to her…even more than her real father for the last two years and now she makes me feel used and betrayed.  When my wife asks her why she says that she can’t put her thoughts into words.  Her grand parents have asked her how the relationship between my step daughter and I is and she has answered OK.  And I have done this without a second thought or wanting anything in return for doing these things.

She is very disrespectful towards my wife.  She is also disrespectful to both of her grandmothers.  While on vacation she made her grandmother cry in a public place.  She does not act like this with her father or her grandfather.  She will open up to no one…at times she will not even open up to her mother.

My wife and I plan on having a discussion with her tonight when I get home from work.  We both want to calmly sit down with her and ask her why she has these feelings and try to get her to open up.  When ever my wife starts to talk to her about something at times she does not even answer her or she says she has a headache.  

There are times I will ask her a questions and she will barely acknowledge it.  Sometimes she won’t even look at me and not even acknowledge the question, it’s like I’m a ghost.  

I use to come home and say Hi to her and she would not look at me and shrug her shoulders.  I just found out last night that the reason why she does this is because she thinks I do not care.  In Russia, people do not ask how you are doing unless you really meant it.  My wife and the rest of her family out in Moscow and here in the states know that the US has different customs and we ask it as a polite gesture.  She has told her grand parents that she thinks I really don’t care and therefore will not answer me.  Now when I come home I just say Hi and don’t expect or wait for an answer.

Last night my wife cried herself to sleep because she wants to have a family atmosphere and the feeling that my step daughter have are breaking her heart.  And when my alarm went off this morning she cried for an hour and half about the same thing and again cried herself to sleep.  I told my wife that I Love her and will help her through this and every way.  She told me last night that she does not want to include me in this because this is her fault.

Other comments that my wife has made is she feels that it is too late to correct these actions in her because she is already at a stage where it is uncorrectable.  I feel that she is a young adult and is still mentally malleable even though at this age it will still be more difficult than doing it 3 or 4 years ago.

HELP!!!  WHAT CAN WE DO?!?!  If you need further information, please feel free to contact me.

Thank you so much for any insight you might be able to give us.

Answer
Dear Mike,
You and your wife have been doing all the right things...except on the occasions where you lose patience...and I do understand how that happens...You are human and you get hurt, just like your teen is hurting.  You need to share this letter with her, or ask her to at least read it so she understands how you feel.  She has been telling you how she feels, and how she hurts, so hearing this from you is only fair.  

Just try to be patient and let her have her feelings...we cannot make people give up their sadness or feelings of rejection.  Instead we must simply acknowledge them as REAL (whether we like them or not) and say it's ok to have these feelings.  We need to say we hope that "someday you will feel differently because we really do love you and care about you and want you to again be our best friend as well as our daughter when you are ready."  Say you can wait as long as it takes for her to feel good again about your relationship and her important place in your family.

Sometimes when people feel left out or very sad they also feel guilty about it and then they become angry and lash out.  Most of the time they lash out with the very people they trust and love.  It feels safer to do it with those people, especially mom and dad.  They cannot do it with everyone.  Please understand that this is not just selfesh behavior; it's a process that she needs to go through.  You need to be patient about this and give her both love and time.  It is natural for her to wonder about her place in your hearts; she just didn't think of it before first.  This is not your fault or something either of you did...it's just the way she is processing her feelings about the changes in her life right now.  She does love you and will eventually work through this and tell you so.

She says she cannot wait to leave and live in the dorm but I think that really she's a bit scared of that new expereince and afraid that if she is gone you will forget her and not feel she is important in the family.  Reassure her; tell her no matter where she is you think of her and love her and that she is just as important in the family as ever.  

My husband passed away suddenly last week after 10 days of hospice in our home. So I feel I need to tell you to be patient and to cherish every moment with your wife and your daughter.  Time goes by very quickly and the most important thing in our lives at the end are our family members, our love and our memories.  You will be able to make more memories...Keep the Faith.  Evelyn  askevelyn.com