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Parenting --Teens/Girlfriends ex wants to see his son


I'm 28, my girlfriend's 31, and we have a 5-year-old son [born April 2007], been together since 2009. I'm on the wifi now as I write this so sorry if it  appears rushed. We live in Rotherham, South Yorkshire.

She told me I'm better than her previous exes (her last ones were an overweight movie addict with aspirations of becoming a clinically obese actor and a workaholic who discussed work issues everywhere, i.e. things relating to the workplace in general). She told me that I'm the only real father figure for her son, who hasn't seen his father since he left in May 2007, and wasn't seen since.

Recently me, my girlfriend and her young son were having a night in watching Strictly Come Dancing and eating when suddenly the doorbell rang. I answered it, and a man came up to the door.
He said "Hello, my name's John, I'm here to see my son."
I let him in, thinking, he's the biological dad, can't stop him seeing his son. He asked to go to the bathroom, so I let him go
I told my girlfriend, and she said she wanted to talk to him.

However, when I went upstairs, he was seen trying on a blue bikini of hers, I chased him and he went down to the kitchen, and began ranting at my girlfriend saying:
""I don't give a flying f**k about the kid. Never wanted him anyway. What a drag he is; I don't give a f**k about him. He needs to f**k off to hell. Get rid of the f**ing kid. Adopt him, farm him off to the grandparents or aunts, do what the f**k you have to do, as long as we don't have a f**king son! He's a f**ing waste of space and I hope he becomes a recovering f**king alcoholic later in life! Get back together with me, dump the boyfriend and the kid, and get back with me!"
My girlfriend told me she found it hard to take her ex seriously, judging by what he was wearing.

So we ordered him upstairs to change, and he left, ranting in a huff. My girlfriend told me he was someone who made threats verbally he wouldn't/couldn't carry out, and was never violent, just obsessed with smoking and partying.

We phoned the police, and kept the bikini as evidence, and an officer came round. However, they told us there wasn't much they could do about it, as it was civil not criminal law, and that stopping a group of local warez distributors was more of a major priority for them - ahead of all other crimes except murder.

I'm wondering how we should deal with this - whats the best way?

Hello Matt,
I would suggest that both of you ignore this man. If he comes back, do not let him in your home. If he insists on coming in, call the police.
Furthermore, given what he said, I wouldn't suggest that you allow him to see his son. If he wants to see his son that bad, let him go to court and get a court order. Given his inability to follow through, it's unlikely he would follow through with that either.
What do you think?
James Windell

Parenting --Teens

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James Windell


I am a parent trainer, psychotherapist, and author specializing in parenting issues.During the past 40 years I`ve worked with parents with discipline problems and challenging children. I give frequent lectures and workshops related to discipline, social skills, and aggressive children. I consult with various agencies and schools where there are child behavior problems. I am listed in the American Psychological Associations` media panel as an expert on parenting and am frequently quoted in leading magazines and newspapers.


I have worked in a juvenile court as a clinical psychologist and as a psychotherapist in private practice. In the Oakland County (MI) Juvenile Court, I developed an award-winning parent training program for parents of adolescent delinquents. In addition I have done group therapy with adolescent delinquents using a social skills-building model. I have consulted with courts, schools, churches, preschools, and domestic violence shelters in areas of parenting.

I received my BA with a major in Psychology in 1963 from Wayne State University. I got my MA in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University in 1972.

I am a member of the American Psychological Association and the Michigan Psychological Association. I have written pamplets, newspaper articles, and professional journal articles. I have been the Coping With Kids columnist for several newspapers for 26 years, and my columns appear weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been the author or co-author of 16 books. My books include, 8 WEEKS to A WELL-BEHAVED CHILD, CHILDREN WHO SAY NO WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SAY YES, 6 STEPS TO AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT TEENAGER, and THE FATHERSTYLE ADVANTAGE. My most recent parenting book (2012) is THE EVETYTHING CHILD PSYCHOLOGY AND DEVELOPMENT BOOK. I have appeared on over 180 radio and TV shows related to my books and parenting. For more information about me, my books and columns, go to my website at

I have an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University.

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