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Parenting --Teens/should i leave my kid on her own to solve her probs?


QUESTION: should i leave the kid alone? will she be able to manage herself and the troubles she is facing?
I have a 13 year old daughter ,pretty strong by nature. she wants a lot of time  to be alone,listening to music all day , with earphones( which i constantly tell her to remove as it may damage her hearing).but she pays no heed although she knows i m right. Leisurely attitude towards studies although she can do very well there.Has a boyfriend which also i feel is too early. is it?
In school many a times she has problems with someone or the other. Sometimes very good friends and at other not talking at all. she is very sensitive too.i feel that as a parent i need to guide her.but her reaction is u are lecturing me.what and how should i do it then? she is not someone people get along with easily.  can i in anyway help her to be friendly or just accept her this way?
Me telling and she not liking is constant scene between us and i fear that because of this she may already be not liking me. please help me in this dilema.

ANSWER: Hello, Aparna-

As her parent, you are not worried if she likes you or not; you are there to instruct her, and she is making unwise choices. You need to step in and help her.

Are you married? Sometimes a fathers help is better for a daughter to accept.

Yes, thirteen is far too young for a boyfriend.

We have a simple plan for dating that goes like this: ages 12 and under, friendships only. 13 to 15, still just friendships, but allow group parties. Lots of food, fun, and things to do with this age group, while avoiding pairing off, and always with adult supervision in a nearby room, at the very least. Ages 16 to 17, a supervised boy-girl friendship is permitted, with dates alone, say to a movie or school dance, as long as they are back by a scheduled time. It is also best if they "double-date" with another couple. This way, they all have fun, but the one-on-one time is reduced. At 18 and older, dating alone is permitted, but if they visit, time should never be spent alone in any room with a closed door.

If you put these rules in place from the very beginning, it is easy, because they know the rules. If you try to go backwards (say, for example, that her boyfriend has been allowed to go into her bedroom at the age of 13) it is VERY difficult to change the rules when you never had any to start.

I know in many countries seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist is not widely accepted, but the behaviors you are describing here are troublesome. Girls of 13 should have plenty of girlfriends they want to spend time with, going to the mall, studying together, and whispering about boys. If she has already paired off with a boy, she is missing these female relationships that help her to grow and mature, and make wise choices later in life, after she is ready for a boyfriend.

Without limits, a child becomes a weed. With limits, a beautiful flower.

That she argues with you and says you are lecturing her is also not a good sign. You should be good friends, going shopping together, or teaching her to cook or sew. You need bonding times together. If she is shutting you out, she will not learn many valuable skills, and any man who ends up with her will be angry if all she can do is kiss him. That's fine at first, but men also expect a clean house, food on the table, and someone who can discuss the news of the day with intelligence. Has she ever tended young children? How will she know what to do when she becomes a mother herself? She needs to learn many things, but she if she learns them in the wrong order (like dating a boy when she is only 13, and especially if he is older than she is) she will miss out on learning things in order. She will one day complain that she, "had no childhood" and she will be right. She will be shocked to know she did it to herself.  

Remember: YOU are the PARENT. If you let her be the boss, neither of you will ever be happy. Children NEED strong parents. Your job is to help her grow and develop into a productive young woman, not to be her buddy. I think you may have already let her be in charge too long, and may need the help of a professional psychologist. Do not put it off. Each day she is in charge, her world will become more unmanageable.  

[an error occurred while processing this directive]---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hello kjirstin
whatever u said is very true. i do feel i should have been stronger from before. but anyways realised it but still couldnt really be that firm
cause she is vry strong n sesitive by nature.maybe i did parenting too emotionally.
firstly i knw tht she has a boyfriend through her diary. i know its not right to read ,but i could sense that she was going through a different phase and was too young for it. she doesnt know that i know about it. i have spoken to her about friends and boyfriends and teasing around.  i told her that it is too young to have boyfriends. should i confront her openly that i know about it and this should stop.? that might break her trust in me. here by boyfriend i mean a boy whom she thinks she likes and has proposed her. but thats only till school. no meetings other than that.not going out alone. that boy is anyways shifting his school and resisdence next year.yes she has been  talking for hours on the phone. thats how we came to know. please suggest the action to be taken.
another thing is she has become too lazy for any kind of physical activity. she feels tired out, this has happened after she set in her do i get her to do other activities which seem like a hell of a task for me and cause of that i sometimes just leave up.

Dear Aparna,

With the additional information in this letter, it may be that your daughter is experiencing some difficulties resulting from her change into womanhood. A visit to a gynecologist and psychiatrist could be of great benefit to her. She should not be so tired she cannot have regular physical activity, and I suspect something else may be going on, for example, being on the  phone or online late into the night. These are things you can and must control. You are her parent, and MUST step up to the plate, or who will help her? Having a doctor make suggestions, and possibly medication can help.

Blessings to you.  

Parenting --Teens

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My own dysfunctional youth in an alcoholic family helped me decide to raise my children with love, acceptance, and honesty. It must have worked. We`ve got terrific kids. Those I've answered on this site usually feel I've been helpful in their unique situations. Our world is so much better when we lift instead of crushing. Every child is worth more than any bank can hold. If I can help at all, it will be in teaching both parent and child of their own personal value to humanity, and how to punch through the noise of the moment to find their greater purpose. Together, we can all make a better world.


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