Parenting --Teens/17 yr old discrespectful step son
QUESTION: What do I do with my 17 almost 18 yr old son that smokes pot and cigerretts when his is with the two guys down the street? Last night I told him to clean his bathroom and he told me he was resting he would do it when he was ready, when he did get up he only picked the dirty cloths up and didn't clean the mud up or his empty cans. so I took his tv out of his room and that's when he started cursing me out, calling me an f@#$ing B@#ch, a fake, I was out to get him.... little back ground for the past almost 8 years I have done everything for him not his bio mom, she still isn't doing anything for him for his senior stuff or school stuff at all. she even told him and us that he isn't allowed to live with her, when for 5 years she told him all kinds of lies to turn him against us and then she cant handle the kid she turned him into.... he has been court ordered to work at the jail with the local judge and now my 5 yr old thinks its cool to go to jail and wants to go.... the 17 yr cries to get his way with his dad cause he knows it doesn't work with me and now my 5 yr old try pulling it on me and uh doesn't work.... im to the point of moving out til the 17 yr old moves out and that's not fare to my other two kids and my husband and I just don't know what to do, I also don't deserve to be cursed out in my own house... do I continue on acting as a mom should and do everything as I have been like ordering all the senior stuff and school stuff or just stop and not do a thing for him??? please help give me advise
ANSWER: This is a difficult but all to common problem. More families are blended making the impotence of "family"clouded with split allegiance. The easiest course would be to just give in but you allready know how that will turn out. The risks to your other children being the most problematic.
My suggestion will not be easy and will require the support, the complete support of your husband. First, a few questions:
are the younger children your husband's as well? How long have you acted as "mother" to the rebel child? Does your husband feel guilty about his separation from this boys mother? And do you believe you will have his support if you decide to make drastic changes?
please answer these questions first....thanks
[an error occurred while processing this directive]---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: I have with this child for 8 years, his father stayed in the relationship as long as he could and couldn't take being cheated on , lied to and the drugs the mother was doing. . They were never married. All 3 kids are my husband's I'm just not the bio mom to the oldest. My husband is also at his wits end and feels sometimes that making the oldest follow rules we both made and backing me up is making the boy feel like he is taking sides when in reality he knows it's best for the boy.... it's hard cause the boys mother is a piece of crap and has done nothing but cause problems, broken promises and heart ache for the kid.... still telling this 17 yr old she wants his dad and I am in the way like she has the past 8 years. My husband's wants to do what's right and what's going to put our son on the right track instead of a drug addict living on the streets
Thank you for the additional information. Doing whats right for your oldest may not be whats right for the rest of the family.realistically you may have to choose.
My suggestion is as follows: 1. Establish rules that all the family must follow, including mom and dad (you will have to create those) let everyone know your simple but strict guidelines and also let them know of the consequences and also the rewards (again both of these are up to you, but make the rewards worth the effort and real and age appropriate)
have a family meeting and discuss the power of the family, the love of brothers and sisters, moms and dads and be sincere in your sharing those feelings and your desire to help them all reach their potential.
The simple part is getting the oldest to listen it will be harder to get him to agree. If he does great....if not move toward his independence and how you both know how unhappy he's been
..tell him that you will help him find a job and an room to rent, never raise your voice, regardless, that's what he'll be looking for, the justification toward anger.
tell him you will support him (decide beforehand how much and how long) you must both be very strong here, do not weaver, he needs to know this is for real.
tell him up front that it will be his choice which path to choose.
The bottom line is he is in a no loose sitation and you're in a no win scenario that needs to change, and your going to give him a winning choice.
Take your time deciding how and when and present it with love but remember include the whole family with there own choices and opportunities. ..
All the best