Parenting --Teens/My 35 yr. old daughter

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Question
Kim my 35 yr. old daughter can not forgive me for not taking her seriously and protecting her from my 41 yr. old engineer boyfriend tied her up on brother's bed, shutting the light and leaving her in the room alone, while I was in the kitchen. This happened when Kim was 14 yrs. She truly resents me now, since she brought incident up yesterday.  She asked me why I put my boyfriend first and not my child?   I said I didn't know, but then I agreed with her it was a bad judgment call.  I continued to have a 10-1/2 yr. relationship with him.  I also told her I didn't leave him alone with her. I had my own home, but moved in after she got into middle school but lasted 8 months when he and I broke up (1994).

Answer
Dear Cathy,

It is not too clear from your brief description exactly what happened between your boyfriend and your daughter. I am assuming that he tied her up but there was no sex. You also did not state if you knew at the time that he was doing this and didn't stop it or recently was the first time you found out. Actually, it really does not matter at this point because, although you never really asked a question, I am assuming it is what do I do with my 35 yr. old daughter who won't forgive the way I raised her.

If that is the question, the answer is that since you have agreed with her and I assume apologized, there is not much more you can do. She is a grown woman and, although I am sure you would like to have her as a friend at this time, her feelings are her feelings and she is going to have to go through her process of healing and forgiveness. Until then, about all you can do is to be as supportive as she will let you. Ultimately, if she can't forgive and move into a better relationship with you, the form of your and her relationship just might go to very little contact.

If she was my daughter, I would make my amends and then let her do what she will do. I would not be chasing her to create a closer relationship. She is going to have to make the next moves. Remember, you are still her mother. That relationship comes first. If you absolutely need her to be your friend, that is a sign that you have to go find some friends that are not your children. It is nice for your kids to be your friends too, but that is just a bonus. There are times in raising kids when they are not going to like us. That is just part of the process.

I hope this has helped. You can always reply with additional questions or need for clarification if you want to.

Jason Wittman, MPS  

Parenting --Teens

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Jason Wittman, MPS

Expertise

I can answer most question regarding the raising of teens. Since my personal experience has been raising 13 foster sons and an adopted son, I am stronger talking about parenting male teens and young adults. When it comes to teen problems and how to parent them, I am equally well versed with male and female issues. I am also very strong answering substance abuse and addiction issues, teen dating drama, questions about sex and questions relating to same sex issues and concerns.

Experience

I have a master's degree in Counseling Psychology from Cornell University. I am certified as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner and as a Hypnotherapist. I have been a Life & Mentor Coach for over twenty years. I have been running youth programs and working with teens and young adults for over 35 years and have personally raised 14 teens.

Organizations
International Coach Federation International Association for Coaches

Publications
My Parenting Blog http://TheParentsCoach.com/blog I recently published an autobiographical novel, "The Street Shrink Chronicles" http://TSSCBook.com Articles in The American Journal

Education/Credentials
Master's in Counseling Psychology from Cornell University B.S. in Bus. Mgt from Cornell University Certified N.L.P. Practitioner from Grinder-DeLozier Institute Certified Hypnotherapist from Gil Boyne Institute

Past/Present Clients
My clients are very private people who do not wish to be public about their personal business.

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