Parenting --Teens/12 year old boy

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Question
I have a 12 year old boy and he has been accused of asking his 5 year old cousin to touch his genitals.  He has denied this action.  I find that he is an inmature 12 year old compared to his classmates.  Can you please let me know what road to take to address this issue true or not.

Answer
Hi Mom,

Your son is at about that age when boys begin to become aware that their equipment  has other purposes than just for urinating.  If you or your male partner, if you have one, have not had a conversation with him about the abc's of sex and what is appropriate and what is not, then this incident is both your signal to do it and your opportunity.

This is the time when kids usually start experimenting and I do not think what he did was so unusual with the exception of his choice of a 5 yo. If I were his parent, I would preface the sex talk with some casual questions to find out just what he already knows and what he has already done (like masturbating). You will have to figure out it this task would be easier on him with you or with a male adult. You might find that he has already done lots of online research and is quite knowledgeable on the subject.

In a separate conversation, maybe before the above one because it is the current situation, I would talk to him about responsible dating.  Some of the points I would make include, not taking advantage of other people, especially those younger than he is, so acts like what he is accused of (whether he did it or not) are totally inappropriate. You don't need a confession from him. Just accept his denial and use the incident as a teaching opportunity.

It is more important that you or your partner build a relationship with your son where he can discuss sexual questions he might have, openly and without embarrassment, than to discipline him for this incident. If he can't get this info and support from you, he is going to have to get it from his peers, which may or may not be accurate, but for sure, will be devoid of any moral guidance. Because his friends are going to report their fantasies as accomplished facts (meaning they have had sexual experiences even when they haven't) he is going to have pressure on him to catch up (he is going to tell them he is experienced, but he knows he is lying).

I hope this has helped. It is quite OK to ask follow up questions if something I touched on is not clear or you do not agree with my take.

If you go to my website,http://TheParentsCoach.com There𡲥 a bunch of useful parenting tips on my blog. There is also a parents resource page with recommended books. My favorite one, which is required reading for all my clients, is "Parent As Coach." It is low price, a quick read, and it transforms even pretty good parent/son relationships. You absolutely need to buy and read this book. If you click on the title it will take you right to the Amazon.com page to order it.

Jason Wittman, MPS

Parenting --Teens

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Jason Wittman, MPS

Expertise

I can answer most question regarding the raising of teens. Since my personal experience has been raising 13 foster sons and an adopted son, I am stronger talking about parenting male teens and young adults. When it comes to teen problems and how to parent them, I am equally well versed with male and female issues. I am also very strong answering substance abuse and addiction issues, teen dating drama, questions about sex and questions relating to same sex issues and concerns.

Experience

I have a master's degree in Counseling Psychology from Cornell University. I am certified as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner and as a Hypnotherapist. I have been a Life & Mentor Coach for over twenty years. I have been running youth programs and working with teens and young adults for over 35 years and have personally raised 14 teens.

Organizations
International Coach Federation International Association for Coaches

Publications
My Parenting Blog http://TheParentsCoach.com/blog I recently published an autobiographical novel, "The Street Shrink Chronicles" http://TSSCBook.com Articles in The American Journal

Education/Credentials
Master's in Counseling Psychology from Cornell University B.S. in Bus. Mgt from Cornell University Certified N.L.P. Practitioner from Grinder-DeLozier Institute Certified Hypnotherapist from Gil Boyne Institute

Past/Present Clients
My clients are very private people who do not wish to be public about their personal business.

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