Parenting --Teens/11 year daughter difficult

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Question
hi..i have 11 year old daughter n 9 year old son  im stay at home mum. my husband on full time demanding job. i give quality time to my kids. my 11.5 year old has bcum difficult for the past 2 years especially after high school..reacts a lot.if i ask her to study as exams near she dislikes. if i ask her to clean room n take care of hygeine she dislikes. if i ask her to be on time for school (she takes bus)she doesnt. she turns deaf ear to what i say. she has no respect for me n uses abusive language if i force her to study like u r ugly bad etc. she yses too much mobile .  my husband has not much interest in kids.now i also tell you what im doing to resolve it. i share n talk n communicate with  her a lot. i appreciate her too. whatever she wants i fulfill her requests.i stand with her to see how she is cleaning her own room.this addiction of mobile i have done nothing but try that at night time its kept in my room. i admit i make her sit for 20  minutes study time. and i force her to do this. in reaction she starts uttering abusive words n sometimes i just walk out of room telling her that this has crossed limit n then i dont talk to her for 1 day. when she isnt ready for school time i ask her that we have to leave now straight away so no breakfast if she will not be ready on time as bus will be missed.
so this is all im doing. am i right? are there any other ways to deal? in which rules i should be lenient n which i should have clear set limits.this problem is now a regular part of my life every 2 3 days this happens.

Answer
Pre-teens can pre-stress the best of parents.  Now is the time though to set clear expectations and boundaries. It's a different kind of parenting that if done consistently now can really help the adolescent (teen) years go by smoothly.

In order to parent with success during these next 8 years go backwards.  Remember when they were two or three years old? how did you motivate them, teach them boundaries, etc? remember their tantrums? how they said "no" to everything. It's the same, they just have larger vocabularies now.

Think back to when you wanted your kids to pick up their toys....you probably placed an incentive at the end of the chore. For instance, if you pick up your toy, you can watch a movie or I will read you a story. Now, enter change this with what motivates them today (phone, computer, etc) with what needs to be done (chores, homework, respect) and apply.

When they were tired at age two and really trying your patience, I know you probably stepped back and said,"she/he is just going through the terrible twos" refocused your attitude and taught them that throwing a tantrum is not acceptable. Same concept, step back, understand it's just a stage they are going through and that you are there to teach them right from wrong by putting in consistent consequences and praising them when they do it right. Most importantly telling them how much they are loved all along the way. You would not stop talking to your two year old...you would redirect.

As far as which rules to be lenient on and which to be strict, you can sit down with them and their father and decide together. Most important, once the decision has been made you will need to stick to it or you will lose any progress you make.

Good Luck. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

p.  

Parenting --Teens

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Penny K

Expertise

I enjoy assisting parents in parenting atypical teenagers that do not respond well to normal parenting techniques. I am able to provide parents with a straight forward behavioral approach that has proved to be successful.

Experience

My husband and I have raised 31 daughters, 29 of our children were foster teens who ranged in age from 11-18. I was a site director for a local group home for adolescent girls, an Executive Director for the Children's Policy Council and the Executive Vice President for a residential treatment facility that specialized in alcohol and drug treatment for adjudicated adolescent males and provided comprehensive assessment to adolescents in the custody of the state. I have been a staff trainer for the Boys Town Model of Care and for the past 10 years I am the lead facilitator for the Parent Project parenting class in my county. In the past 20 years of my career I have assisted over 2000 adolescent youth and their families.

Education/Credentials
Boys Town Behavioral Management Trainer Parent Project Facilitator

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