Parenting --Teens/12 year old cheated

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i am 35 year old stay at home mother. i have 9 year old son and 12 year old daughter. my husband is a doctor so he remains very busy n doenst get much time out of his biusy schedule for children. i am passing through a very difficult n emotional stage right now. my 12 year old daughter has a strange behaviour. she hasnt reached puberty yet but showing the signs.
she doesnt listen to me much. n when she is angry she shows an anger by just using a very abusive language to me like U R MENTAL. i try to be polite and try to be strict at times too but it doenst make any difference. she is hardly ready on time when she has to go to school. with teh result she usually misses the bus. which means i have to drop her at school. sometimes ive to honk the bus driver to wait n she is coming. when ive to drop her i usually bring her home n ask her to wait until i have a cup of tea . it is to make her realize that missing the bus doenst mean that mum would fly the car n bring her to school on time. but she gets upset starts requesting then yelling then cursing. sometimes i stop talking to her for a day or two when she curses. and she  feels sorry afterwards. seems like she cant control her emotion.

now i come to another grave problem which has hurt me so much. before that i would like to tell you that she is one of the top 10 schools of the country and in year 7. school has very strong disciplinary plicies plus also a very strict curriculum and  put too much pressure. she prepared for the exams seriously in last two three weeks. before that she used to study just 1 or 2 hours everyday.  but course was vast n too tough and it was the first time she was sitting in formal exams in a high school . i realized this later that she should have started exams preparation little earlier. but i gave her as much time as i could give . hired a tutor as well sat with her hours n hours.  during the exam period she told me that teacher misunderstood her n blamed her for tecahing in three different scenarios. i just ignored that as i trusted my daughter.  anyway i come to a point.  i got a call from the school teacher she wanted to have a word with me.she told me that problem is serious and she  was caught cheating. my husband had a word with  the daughter  before having a meeting with the teacher. but my daughter  refused and blamed everything on teacher. we went to the meeting . her teacher she showed me  her tests in which she appeared recently.  she cheated in 3 exams. it was  shocking for me. she worked so hard n  prepared so well.
my daughter already told me that in two subejcts she didnt do well so  she already  failed in them.
in another 3 exams  she cheated. those were the subjects in which she worked really hard , she  prepared so well and did well too.   teacher showed me written proof so she was right.
in one test she wrote all right answers but crossed n wrote what girl next to her wrote and so all answers got wrong.
in another exam she asked  the girl  a question by writing on her  answer sheet  and she wrote in pen. it was so foolish asking a person on answer sheet!probably she didnt give it a second thought that an examiner would see this  she made only 1 mistake in that  test but will get zero  as school policy is strict. .
in third test she put notes underneath the table n that too with all written part up.
how could she do all this. she knew all tests.
 it was one of the most embarrasing momets. i felt i have cheated n teacher insulting me. probably i have hurt my parents so God  wants to show me look this is how parents feel when u hurt them.
if i had been  doing  job then i  would have affiliated it with lack of negligence by my side. i just sacrificed my career to bring up my kids  with full devotion teaching them values honesty hard work etc etc.
i do agree that i have  high expectations from my children. i have told my children that i have decided to stay at home to make u successful in ur career and u have to make my dreams come true. and i  say this every now n then. because my parents have brought me up the same way. but i have never dared to cheat to come upto expectations of parents.
i have just lost hope. betraying is one the most painful things for the parents. all my efforts sacrifices have gone in vain. i hadnt been so disappointed if she would have just failed in exams . it has just shattered me as i am ultimately responisble for  all this.

Answer
Dear B.N.,
I can see that being a good parent just means the world to you. Your children are fortunate to have a parent who has such a desire. Now even the best of parents have to be reminded that their children are separate human beings. Your daughter is making her own choices. Just because you love her does not mean that she can abuse you.

It is true that teenagers often struggle with emotional control however they do have to learn, mostly on their own terms what emotional control is all about as they have to interact with the world without you. Hold her accountable for her bad behavior. Make sure no one else is modeling bad behavior in her home as well.

As for the cheating. Even gifted students have learning and stress disorders. I would suggest getting her tested by the school. She may have been afraid to tell you that she wasn't performing well. I can tell you that just because they are teens doesn't make your opinion of them any less important to them, no matter how much they try to pretend like it is not important.

Lastly, if you are going to survive the teen years you must stop taking their behavior so personally. Your child cheated and the school needed to deal with it directly however, you are not to blame so stop blaming yourself. Leave the embarrassment where it belongs, on  your daughter. If you feel it for her she need not feel it for herself. Do you best and then let go because ultimately they are growing into adults.

Thank you for writing to me. I hope you have a lovely week. I apologize for taking so long to respond to you. I have had several deaths in the family, one being my father.

Take care,

Dr. Mary Kay Keller
www.marykaykeller.com  

Parenting --Teens

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Dr. Mary Kay Keller

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Questions concerning Teens & the developmental stages that they are in. It doesn`t matter what the psychological or emotional behavior they are exhibiting. What matters is that you ask the questions & search out solutions!

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I have worked with Teens in the school system through programs to provide life adjustment classes and with the Substance Abuse Prevention programs. ¿Quieres hacer preguntas en español? Haga clic aquí para pedir en español y traducir al Inglés. https://translate.google.com/

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National Council on Family Relations & Prevention Research

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Journal of International Attachment Parenting Journal of Behavioral and Social Sciences

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Education: PhD Human Sciences: Family and Child Studies Ask me about my research on Fathers and their Children! http://MaryKayKeller.com

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International Who's Who of Professionals & Departmental Honors in Psychology

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Grandparents raising grandchildren, Teen parents, parents who have separated/divorced, parents with children experiencing substance abuse issues, parents in need of parenting classes, parents who have experienced the death of a child/infant. Over 20 years of successful professional experience with children and families.
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