Parenting --Teens/pre teens daughter


hi i am 35 year old stay at home mother. i have 9 year old son and 12 year old daughter. my husband is a doctor so he remains very busy n doenst get much time out of his biusy schedule for children. i am passing through a very difficult n emotional stage right now. my 12 year old daughter has a strange behaviour. she hasnt reached puberty yet but showing the signs. 
she doesnt listen to me much. n when she is angry she shows an anger by just using a very abusive language to me like U R MENTAL. i try to be polite and try to be strict at times too but it doenst make any difference. she is hardly ready on time when she has to go to school. with teh result she usually misses the bus. which means i have to drop her at school. sometimes ive to honk the bus driver to wait n she is coming. when ive to drop her i usually bring her home n ask her to wait until i have a cup of tea . it is to make her realize that missing the bus doenst mean that mum would fly the car n bring her to school on time. but she gets upset starts requesting then yelling then cursing. sometimes i stop talking to her for a day or two when she curses. and she feels sorry afterwards. seems like she cant control her emotion.

now i come to another grave problem which has hurt me so much. before that i would like to tell you that she is one of the top 10 schools of the country and in year 7. school has very strong disciplinary plicies plus also a very strict curriculum and put too much pressure. she prepared for the exams seriously in last two three weeks. before that she used to study just 1 or 2 hours everyday. but course was vast n too tough and it was the first time she was sitting in formal exams in a high school . i realized this later that she should have started exams preparation little earlier. but i gave her as much time as i could give . hired a tutor as well sat with her hours n hours. during the exam period she told me that teacher misunderstood her n blamed her for tecahing in three different scenarios. i just ignored that as i trusted my daughter. anyway i come to a point. i got a call from the school teacher she wanted to have a word with me.she told me that problem is serious and she was caught cheating. my husband had a word with the daughter before having a meeting with the teacher. but my daughter refused and blamed everything on teacher. we went to the meeting . her teacher she showed me her tests in which she appeared recently. she cheated in 3 exams. it was shocking for me. she worked so hard n prepared so well. 
my daughter already told me that in two subejcts she didnt do well so she already failed in them.
in another 3 exams she cheated. those were the subjects in which she worked really hard , she prepared so well and did well too. teacher showed me written proof so she was right. 
in one test she wrote all right answers but crossed n wrote what girl next to her wrote and so all answers got wrong. 
in another exam she asked the girl a question by writing on her answer sheet and she wrote in pen. it was so foolish asking a person on answer sheet!probably she didnt give it a second thought that an examiner would see this she made only 1 mistake in that test but will get zero as school policy is strict. .
in third test she put notes underneath the table n that too with all written part up. 
how could she do all this. she knew all tests. 
it was one of the most embarrasing momets. i felt i have cheated n teacher insulting me. probably i have hurt my parents so God wants to show me look this is how parents feel when u hurt them. 
if i had been doing job then i would have affiliated it with lack of negligence by my side. i just sacrificed my career to bring up my kids with full devotion teaching them values honesty hard work etc etc. 
i do agree that i have high expectations from my children. i have told my children that i have decided to stay at home to make u successful in ur career and u have to make my dreams come true. and i say this every now n then. because my parents have brought me up the same way. but i have never dared to cheat to come upto expectations of parents. im just afraid that if im the one who has put so much pressure on her or peer or teachers. i want to correct myself if im wrong. i want her to become a successful career woman .i agree i am over obsessed with my childrens grades. when she doesnt get good in tests i get sad  . i hire a tutor or start teaching her myself if i know the subject. i arrange meetings with teachers to know how can she have grasp on the subject  .
i have just lost hope. betraying is one the most painful things for the parents. all my efforts sacrifices have gone in vain. i hadnt been so disappointed if she would have just failed in exams . it has just shattered me as i am ultimately responsible for all this.
i have felt that she is just into habit of telling  lies. one time i saw her not wearing seat belt. i said please wear a belt n a
she said no im wearing  n then she wore it.

Hi there B, thx for your email. I'm not sure what the question is. I understand your frustration, sadness and disappointment with your daughter's behaviour. I also understand how badly you want her to be successful. She has to want it badly though.  My suggestion is that you go to a counsellor and get some help as to how to best approach the situation. It would be great if your daughter could attend some sessions with you as there clearly a dynamic with your relationship that could use work. Sorry, I don't know what else to say.  If you have a specific question then I may be able to add more.


Parenting --Teens

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Please note, after years of providing free advice, I now require a donation (the amount is up to you) prior to answering your question. Questions from parents who are noticing changes in their adolescent and think problems may be brewing, questions regarding specific problems they are already experiencing, information on warning signs if they think their child may be having problems, questions regarding fighting with parents, sibling rivalry, school problems, addiction problems, relationship issues (eg their child is in a relationship and parent has concerns), and anything else you can think of.


22+ years working with an adolescent population providing counselling. I have probably worked with over 1000 clients in that time. Have been used to testify in court and write reports for sentencing.

M.A. Counselling Psychology
BA Psychology

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