Parenting --Teens/Whats going on


QUESTION: "I need some help here I am 39 my husband is 40 we have our 19th wedding annivcoming up,we have a 17 year old son,my husband anf I are both fit people who take care of ourselves and eat well etc etc, I guess you could ssay we are fairly attractive, I mean I wouldnt say I am like a hot mom or anything. We have always had a good if not great sex life.Typically we would have sex 2x during the week than typically twice more on Saturday, thats wwhen we would lock the door take our "private time" and really enjoy ourselves. About two months ago something just sparked me my husband came home from work and grabbed my butt,I turned around and kissed him my son saw this and was like eew gross, anyway my husband said he was going in the room to get changed I gave him another kiss, he said come with me we went in our room my husband locked the door, we started fooling around next thing I know I am in only my bra/underwear, I said "he (our son) is right outside we cant do this right now" My husband said hes old enough he knows what goes on.After some more fooling around I agreed with my husband I told him if he gets weirded out we arent doing this again with him home in the middle of the day. Anyway about half way in my son knocked on the door and asked if we were eating soon "I said mom and dad are having private time " I was slightly embarrassed. Anyway I told my husband not again when our son knows whats going on. The next day the same drill we did as soon as my husband got home and then again after dinner. Over the last two months or so its been like this everyday we have been doing it everyday many time 2 times a day and on the weekends 2-3x times day. My husband has always had a high drive and hes always be EXTREMELY touchy feeley with me, but now its me I cant get enough, he cant keep up. I know women hit their peeks later, and I am at that age or whatever, but from 4 times a week to 2x a day and I still want more. Whats going on

ANSWER: Hello Kayla,

This is not exactly a parenting question, and I do not consider myself an expert in sexuality.

I would say, however, that you and your husband are very lucky to still be in love after 19 years and still find that you are attracted to each other. Sexual desire does peak and wane at different times in your life. Since there is nothing wrong with having sex frequently, I would encourage you to continue to enjoy it.

I think, too, that your son, at age 17, is old enough to cope with the knowledge that his parents are having sex. He might still find it a bit gross to think about, but he should be able to handle it.

Enjoy the relationship with your husband for a long time.


James Windell

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QUESTION: Thank you for the wonderful well thought out answer, the reason I asked you in particular, is I suppose my question is two fold, first is this some kind of addiction or what because the first time we had sex in the middle of the day with our son home and he knocked on the door, I told my husband never again with him in the living room like that, then the very next day we did it twice when he was home and awake, and pretty much every day since. I suppose its not a sex addiction, thank goodness, its just a high sex drive which has now some how far surpassed my husbands. My second question is my son is 17, the good thing is he is old enough to know what goes on, the bad news is hes old enough to know what goes on. At first I was hesitant to have sex with our son wide awake in the next room, my husband said it was fine because hes old enough to understand, I am starting to agree with him more and more, like today, for example my husband came home from work, we kissed  a little on the couch and I said "you ready" and we went into our bedroom, a few minutes later my son knocked on the door and asked is dad home? I said "We are in here and we are having a privite time" we came out had dinner, we cleaned up started another make out session which my son walked in on, and I said "Dad and I are going into the bedroom for another privatet time, do you need anything before we lock our door? Please dont knock then" Like I try to clean it up but hes 17 he clearly knows what "private time" is from a teens perspective, whats gonig on in his mind knowing his parents are doing it this much and cant keep their hands off 0f each other.

Finally, like I said I am 39 I am in good shape I am petite and tiny, since my sex drive has blasted past my husband I am actually wanting to do something to amp him up a bit, Like I said im teeny and petite so I think it would look cute to start dressing a little sexier, maybe some mini skirts, some low cut tops, yoga pants look great on me, maybe trade in my white cotton brief panties for some sexy little thongs stuff like that. We are going on a family vacation and I was thinking about trying a tiny skimpy bikini. I have included the links to the two i was going to buy, what would my sons reaction be to the bikinis and dressing sexier in general? Do you think these are still appropriate like they dont let too much hang out right lol?

and maybe a skirt like thiss
How will my son react to this sudden change in style in your professional opinion.

ANSWER: Hi Kayla,

I think the problem in you dressing in a more provocative way is that when you are on a family vacation your son is exposed to your sexier mode of dressing.

What I'm getting it is that you want to turn on your husband, not your son. When your husband gets turned on, at least he has an outlet -- with you. If your son gets turned on by you wearing a bikini, he doesn't have a way of dealing with his sexual urges, except through masturbation or fantasy. Of course, I have no way of knowing if your son is well-adjusted and has healthy attitudes and fantasies about sex. So, the question is: can he handle a very sexy mom or not?

In general, parents do have to maintain some boundaries around their children. For all intents and purposes, your son is still just 17, is not an adult yet, and is probably still coming to terms with aspects of his own sexuality. Perhaps, your sexiest dress and your sexiest behavior should be reserved for times when you and your husband are alone, not when your son is around. I'm not sure exactly how you handle this on vacation (maybe sending him off to do something else while you are at your sexiest), but it is something you need to consider.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you this really is great advice, I think in regards to the clothing is the only thing we see differently, I think I should mention, we are going on vacation to our condo in florida, its a two bedroom condo one for us and one for our son, so no its not like would be overtly sexual in front of him. Its our son, I was uncomfotable with having sex with him awake until a few months ago lol. Also my son has a dear friend that lives within 5 minutes so he hangs out with him a lot so when I am wearing those bikinis its mostly for my husband, yea there may be times when our son is on the beach with us, but mostly he will be surfing with his buddy, and my hubby and I will be by ourselves, I am wearing the bikinis to get him amped up so we can go back to the condo and lock our doors not to get him amped up to put a show on esp. in front of our son. I got another opinion from a female Dr. and she said the bikinis are a great idea, but she also knew the whole circumstance, yes its a family vacation, as in we are all going together but my son will often times be out doing his own ting with his friend he only gets to see twice a year. Does that make sense, I have ordered the bikinis, do you think they are too skimpy? I was going to try them on and if they looked cute I would try them on and get my sons opinion, I have really never worn anything like that not since I was 25. Knowing what you know now does it change your opinion at all? What about the skirt, whats wrong with that? and trading in my "granny panties" haha for some sexy little thongs, my son wouldnt even know I was wearing them, he would only find out when he does his one chore a week the laundry haha! Additionally yes my son is a normal healthy teen who is very well-adjusted, sports,good grades,friends, girls etc etc...  do you think tht stuff is very sexy, like to sexy, I just thought it was moderately sexy I would love a guys opinion. Thanks so much.

Hi Kayla,

Skimpy clothes and bikinis on the right body are undoubtedly sexy. So, I'm not discouraging you from being sexy for your husband. I would encourage it.

Asking your son for his opinion on your bikinis represents one of those boundary issues. That would not be appropriate.

Save your bikinis for those times your son is off doing things with his friends.

Otherwise, enjoy your vacation.


Parenting --Teens

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James Windell


I am a parent trainer, psychotherapist, and author specializing in parenting issues.During the past 40 years I`ve worked with parents with discipline problems and challenging children. I give frequent lectures and workshops related to discipline, social skills, and aggressive children. I consult with various agencies and schools where there are child behavior problems. I am listed in the American Psychological Associations` media panel as an expert on parenting and am frequently quoted in leading magazines and newspapers.


I have worked in a juvenile court as a clinical psychologist and as a psychotherapist in private practice. In the Oakland County (MI) Juvenile Court, I developed an award-winning parent training program for parents of adolescent delinquents. In addition I have done group therapy with adolescent delinquents using a social skills-building model. I have consulted with courts, schools, churches, preschools, and domestic violence shelters in areas of parenting.

I received my BA with a major in Psychology in 1963 from Wayne State University. I got my MA in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University in 1972.

I am a member of the American Psychological Association and the Michigan Psychological Association. I have written pamplets, newspaper articles, and professional journal articles. I have been the Coping With Kids columnist for several newspapers for 26 years, and my columns appear weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been the author or co-author of 16 books. My books include, 8 WEEKS to A WELL-BEHAVED CHILD, CHILDREN WHO SAY NO WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SAY YES, 6 STEPS TO AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT TEENAGER, and THE FATHERSTYLE ADVANTAGE. My most recent parenting book (2012) is THE EVETYTHING CHILD PSYCHOLOGY AND DEVELOPMENT BOOK. I have appeared on over 180 radio and TV shows related to my books and parenting. For more information about me, my books and columns, go to my website at

I have an M.A. in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University.

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