Aboutshanac Expertise Questions from parents who are noticing changes in their adolecent and think problems may be brewing, questions regarding specific problems they are already experiencing, information on warning signs if they think their child may be having problems, questions regarding fighting with parents, sibling rivlary, school problems, addiction problems, relationship issues (eg their child is in a relationship and parent has concerns), and anything else you can think of.
Experience 15 years working with an adolescent population providing counselling. I have probably worked with over 1000 clients in that time. Have been used to testify in court and write reports for sentencing.
Education/Credentials M.A. Counselling Psychology For a complete list of my credentials, visit my website at www.counselingappointment.com.
Question Hello. I am writing to you today, not as a concerned parent, but as a concerned sister. My 12 year old sister, "Susan", has had many behavioral problems. Our parents divorced when Susan was only 6 and ever since then, Susan has never listened to what she was told, and is constantly mouthing off to my mom. She also lies about EVERYTHING. Another thing is that whenever she goes to my dad's to visit, she tells him different lies to make him angry at my mom, and does the same thing when she comes home to make my mom angry at my dad. My mom has caught on to what she's been doing and has learned to ignore her lies unless it seems it is something she should really be concerned about. But my dad, on the other hand, believes everything she says, even though he has caught her lying to him on many occasions. Well, just recently, Susan has started showing a lot of interest in sex. My mother and I have found letters to different boys and from them, also, that describe very graphic sexual acts and very dirty language in them. There were also letters to her friends telling them that she would like to do these very dirty things to different boys that she knows. Susan also ran up the phone bill last month because late at night, she would sneak the phone into her room and call a teen chat line and talk to numerous amounts of boys. I have also found in her room a list of 900 numbers, and just to name one, 1-900-FUN SLUT, which makes me wonder if she's called any of those, too. Now, the problem... a few weeks ago, my mom got the phone bill and caught Susan in the act with the teen chat line. She punished her, which Susan does not take very well, and Susan tells me my mom "daddy never punishes me" and that she "wanted her daddy", which is true about him not punishing her because she only usually goes to visit my dad one weekend out of the month. Anyways, when Susan gets off her punishment, she went to my dad's house for a visit. After the weekend was over, Susan never came home and my mom did not think much about it and figured that Susan was going to spend an extra couple of days with her dad, which was normal during the summer. Two days later, my mom got a call from a child protection agency. My dad had called them because Susan had told him a bunch of lies about how my mom had left her alone with a boy and they almost had sex, which is far from true. She was with a boy a few times, but was FAR from unsupervised. The investigation is still ongoing with the child protection agency, and I'm afraid my mom will get in trouble for a bunch of lies. But most of all, I'm scared for my sister. She seems to be heading down a dangerous road, with all the lying and sexual stuff, and I think she needs help, but we are not sure what to do. I know that kids do this kind of stuff when their parents are divorced, and I know that sexual curiosity is normal at that age, but it has no doubt crossed the line. I have no idea how she has got this bad, and what has caused it. But all I know is that it gets worse everyday. Can you please give me some kind of advice on how we can get her help?
Answer HI Sarah, one of the things you can do is to let child protection know your side of the story. They always take that into great consideration. It does sound like she has crossed the line of "typical" curiosity. Child protection can actually be quite helpful in this regard, in that they can make a suggestion or referral to an appropriate counsellor or resource. I don't know where you live, but in Canada, they do everything possible to keep families together and given what you have told me (which I realize is minimal) it's unlikely your mom is going to get into any kind of trouble. Your sister is trying to send a message with her actions. It's often hard to decipher that message but I would suggest that her self esteem is low, and she is looking for attention in all the wrong places. As for getting her help, it's available if she will go. Sometimes it works best if mom and her and dad, go. It really shouldn't be identified that she is THE one with the problem. She really isn't the only one in that she's a product of her environment and everyone in the family has a part. Hope that's helpful.
