AboutJames Windell Expertise I am a parent trainer, psychotherapist, and author specializing in parenting issues.During the past 40 years I`ve worked with parents with discipline problems and challenging children. I give frequent lectures and workshops related to discipline, social skills, and aggressive children. I consult with various agencies and schools where there are child behavior problems. I am listed in the American Psychological Associations` media panel as an expert on parenting and am frequently quoted in leading magazines and newspapers.
Experience I have worked in a juvenile court as a clinical psychologist and as a psychotherapist in private practice. In the Oakland County (MI) Juvenile Court, I developed an award-winning parent training program for parents of adolescent delinquents. In addition I have done group therapy with adolescent delinquents using a social skills-building model. I have consulted with courts, schools, churches, preschools, and domestic violence shelters in areas of parenting.
I received my BA with a major in Psychology in 1963 from Wayne State University. I got my MA in Clinical Psychology from Oakland University in 1972.
I am a member of the American Psychological Association and the Michigan Psychological Association. I have written pamplets, newspaper articles, and professional journal articles. I have been the Coping With Kids columnist for the Oakland Press for 21 years, and my columns also appear weekly in the Staten Island Advance. I have been the author or co-author of 12 books. My books include, 8 WEEKS to A WELL-BEHAVED CHILD, CHILDREN WHO SAY NO WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SAY YES, and 6 STEPS TO AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT TEENAGER. My latest parenting book is THE FATHERSTYLE ADVANTAGE. I have appeared on over 175 radio and TV shows related to my books and parenting. For more information about me, my books and columns, go to my website at Jameswindell.com
Question I have a 15 year old teenage daughter who will be a sophmore this year. We had never had serious problems in our relationship until this year. Unfortunately, she started "seeing" someone (she is not allowed to date but we would let him come over to our house as long as we were home and we let her go to his house on three occasions while his parents were home). Everything was fine until we found out that the two of them had been sneaking around (he was coming to our house while we were not home and she was leaving school with him -- not skipping -- but having him bring her home without our permission). At that point we grounded her for a couple of weeks. However, during the time she was grounded, we discovered she also had been having sexual relations with him. She thought they had actually had intercourse once, but when I took her to the gynecologist he advised that technically she was still a virgin. I wanted her to get on birth control pills because the last thing I want is for her to end up pregnant - -but she refused and stated she didn't want to do "it" anymore. Needless to say, my husband and I did not handle this situation very well -- I was devastated and could not believe she would deceive me that way. I told her she would have to break up with her boyfriend because they did not make good decisions together. This was over six months ago. In the meantime, I know that they have continued to talk but my daughter also began seeing someone else. However, when the new boyfriend broke up with her -- she rebounded to the old one and I caught her sneaking out of the house. When I confronted her she became extremely angry, hateful, and even physically abusive towards me. She told me she was running away and started walking down a busy but dark highway at 3:30 a.m. and the only way I could get her to come back was by having my 9 year old son call the police. (My husband was out of town at the time). I then told her that she was grounded until the end of the summer (about 6 weeks) from the telephone, going places, etc. We had just been looking at cars for her and I also told her that she would not get a car this year -- and we would discuss it again her junior year if her attitude changed. Finally, I told her that she was not going to get the Sweet 16 party that we had been planning (this is something she has always wanted and was a big deal with a hall, catering, and a DJ). However, nothing seems to have changed as I have caught her talking on the phone on several occasions (she apparently had another phone cord hidden away because I took hers out) and she is still beligerent, lies constantly, and generally acts as if she hates me. Basically, she has told me that she is going to do what she wants and date who she wants no matter what I try to do to stop her. I am truly at the end of my rope and don't know what to do. I don't want to push her so hard that it destroys our relationship -- but I also want her to know there are consequences for her actions. Should I let her date the guy she wants to see even though I know it is not really in her best interest and even though they have both continually lied to me and treated me with a total lack of respect?
Answer Hello,
Well, you've got a tough situation here. But I think it can be straightened out.
You and your husband need to have a series of sit-down discussions with her. What needs to happen is that you end up with an agreement whereby she agrees she will not sneak out and you will allow some dating.
There are rules that are important to you; there are behaviors and freedoms important to her. You and she have to discuss these until you reach an agreement.
You don't want her running away or sneaking out. At the same time, you want to keep a relationship with her. She obviously feels very strongly about dating. This has to be discussed until you can reach a compromise that as parents you can live with, and as a teenage girl she can live with the final agreement as well.
As I said this will probably require a series of discussions. Things may need to be written down. Maybe a written contract will result.
I can answer more questions about this, if you would like to ask some more. These kinds of situations are difficult -- and delicate. Parents feel they should be able to dictate rules. But teens have a lot of power -- and mobility -- so a compromise is necessary.
The goal is to come up with a workable solution that allows everyone to continue living together without hostilities and threats.
What do you think?
Best,
James Windell
